\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3894321
Review #3894321
Viewing a review of:
 The Mysterious Death of Michelle Gram Open in new Window. [13+]
Short fiction about an ignored guilty conscience
by Nick Author Icon
Review by Nixie 🦊 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi there!

*BalloonB* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonB*


*StarB*
Overall Impression
This read like a character study. Nothing really happened other than a man ignoring a street person and feeling guilty. Why did he keep repeating he had nothing to do with her death and could not help the police? In a short story, readers are looking for a setting, characters, dialogue, anything to bond them to the words and escape reality. Want/obstacle/action. Of course, not all stories have these elements, but yours needed a bit more of something.

*StarB*
Setting/Plot/Characters
As a human interest piece, you addressed the helplessness many of us experience. It's easy to walk past someone holding a can, crouched on a street corner. Easy, but it leaves us edgy. Can one person make a difference? Sometimes, it takes days to rationalize our lack of compassion, and I think this is what you're trying to convey. It was ironic, he claims never to have change, yet never stops to think about what he dropped in the tip jar.

I'm not sure why a younger version of the woman who died appeared and vanished again. I was trying to figure out the relevance to the story. Not all stories are for everyone, and maybe I simply could not connect with yours. It happens.

*StarB*
Considerations
My neck turned as glanced involuntarily at the phone sitting on my counter top
My neck turned as [I]? glanced

Guilt dripped down my throat and settled in my stomach
Avoid hyperbolic sentences. You want to capture the man's experience, and the action on [guilt] is meaningless.

couldn’t have been older than [25].
Spell out numbers less than one-hundred. [twenty-five]
46 cent tip. forty-six
25th twenty-fifth

*StarB*
In closing
As I read, I was looking for a plot twist, evidence he did kill her, but was denying it. However, the story ended as it began. A man feeling guilty because he ignored a homeless person. A sad commentary on humanity.

** Image ID #1877090 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3894321