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 Review #3894392 |
| Greetings! The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your item. Welcome to WDC "Newbie Welcome Wagon"   PLOT AND FORMAT: At a glance, I know right away if it is appealing on the page and is easy to read and understand. If it is in one huge paragraph, it becomes too difficult to read. Make use of white space between paragraphs and character dialogue.The format of your short story was good and as these were a few lines or only one paragraph, it was easy to read and understand. SETTING: This is important. A nice balance of imagery and well written word makes me feel as if I am there, but overdone it ends up being repetitive and redundant. The setting here is a teenager who is facing psychological issues, Bipolar as mentioned in this story and this is hurting herself. LENGTH: If the piece is overly long, then I am more reluctant to read it, but if it's intriguing, I still might. The length of your story was short and I wanted to know what the "slice" meant in the story. Even now, I could not tell of any connection between the title and the story. Would you mind and let me know? GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: While punctuation errors can make a piece impossible to read, often I can pass over them, depending on what it is, and noting where and what so the writer can go back and revise them. It is often something easily fixed. The red phrases are from your story whereas the green text is my personal opinion. ==> For the first time in months she was wearing a short sleeve shirt. For the first time in months, she was wearing a short sleeve shirt. ==>“I hate this” she spoke out loud to the empty room. You should mention more about the setting. Where was she and was she alone? “I hate this," She spoke out loud to the empty room." ==>She hadn’t cut since her dad announced Did her dad know about this? And I am supposed she hadn't cut herself? DIALOGUE: I love dialogue. I take note if it has any or if it has the character's thoughts. There was only one dialogue in your story and I think for a story like this, it was good to have one dialogue because dialogues have a lot of power in them. The one and only dialogue had a lot of effect on the reader and felt very strong emotions. If you want reader to give attention to a short story, use a dialogue or two. The dialogue did enhance the story thought there was a little error in the way it was done. I have pointed it out above. There was only one character's dialogue so no mixing of them with one another and no overuse of tags. These are what I mean: Tom said, she said, they said, he mumbled, Mary screamed, he growled, Cheryl crowed, etc. It is not necessary to label each dialogue. We can tell what is happening by the character's actions and circumstance. POINT OF VIEW: I must know who's point of view we are in. If there is a rough transition between character's points of view, then I will mention that in review and will not be able to understand the story. The setting remained the same and the transition between the characters and in the story was good and easily understandable. FLOW: The story must not only be told in a logical order, but must have a feel to it. That means I 'm not stopping and starting abruptly, or stumbling over the words or distanced for some other reason. The flow of your story was good and there was no interruption except for the parts where questions rose and as I have mentioned above. MY FAVORITE PART/THING ABOUT YOUR STORY: The thing I liked about your story was the impact of a divorce or relationship on a teen. I am a teen myself and I am very worried about psychological issues and not getting into one. I can understand how the girl must have felt and the family should have been caring for her and not letting her know if she was so sensitive. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WORK! Write On!  Have a nice day/night! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Invalid Item" |"Invalid Item" |"Invalid Item" |"Invalid Item" |"Invalid Item"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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