Hello dblameck (David) . This is a review in relation to your entry in

Sensual Fantasy  (18+) Fantasy/Erotica Short Story Contest for those who love to love mystical creatures. #1511345 by Christine

Thank you so much for entering! You won!

Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


INITIAL IMPRESSION:

It was a fascinating story, partially because I found it to be very hot and sensual at the end, but very slow in reaching the mood in the beginning.





Beginning

There is nothing precisely wrong with the beginning, it just almost feels like the beginning of a different story. The chemistry between the two characters is so strikingly different in the beginning in comparison to the end. It might be argued that this is due to the presence of the respective spouses, but it feels almost like a break in the narrative.






Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

As usual, you are very good at this, very precise and visceral.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Your internal monologue is a lot more present, though striking is the fact that neither of them seem overly worried about their partners, not even as a recurring thought to intrude.


Emotional Draw:

The emotional draw suffers, I feel, both from the break in chemistry partway through and the niggling thought that there should be more awareness of the internal conflict through an internal monologue.



Dialogue/Monologue

Realistic and sensual.


Characters

I like him a lot more than her, partially because she does not seem to be allowed to have the space to develop, to grow. She almost seems two dimensional in parts.


Sensuality

Very, very high towards the second half, less so in the beginning.






Structure/Format


Good structure


Language


Style:

I like the clear, matter of fact style which has become such a trademark of your writing.


Orthography:

Noticed no issues







Tension

Well built throughout, though a recognition of an internal conflict might be very helpful here

Conflict:

External:

Clear and easily recognisable, though a deeper fear of discovery might heighten the drama


Internal:

I want some !




End

I love the end. I always think you are a lot better at endings than you are at beginnings.






General Comments:

A well crafted story though it feels a little as if it should be two separate ones.