Hi there Mahlyenki Dyavol ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Ignorance That Opens Bliss(CH1)  (13+) A girl almost kills herself until an injured boy interrupts her and passes out on her bed. #1970545 by Mahlyenki Dyavol

Welcome to WDC! I hope you find your stay here pleasant and fulfilling. This site has a lot of very nice people here to help you on your way in writing. If you need help or have questions please feel free to ask me.



General Impressions You made an interesting story. I would read more of it. As a whole it is a good start to a novel or a bigger short story.

Favorite Parts My name is Diana Lynn Marr. I live with my older sister and my half-arsed mother. I can’t relate to anyone anymore. Something inside me has changed. You did really good on drawing in the reader with those few sentences.

Plot As a check most reviewers check your title, your description, and your story to see if they all match. You did that part very well in fact your plot does indeed match all. You did a very good job on the description.

Characters I liked how you did your description of your characters. I liked how you built in flaws on the main character. The flaws helped advance your story well. It made the story interesting to me the reader well done!

Setting You didn't do a lot of over describing in this story it all actually went together well for me. The only issue I had was the direct jump from the bedroom to the kitchen. I will point this out to you below.

Dialog You used your dialog well to to both describe and show us what we wanted to see and feel. Very nicely done. The one issue and I'm over looking it because as a new person to the site getting our documents loaded in is a real pain. You generally have to go to e-mail and come back to your profile to get the edit button to appear. So you can go in and fix the spacing and put in the indents we normally have already done. One trick I learned to do indents was to first write in {indent} and do a 'control insert' to load it into window's hidden paste que. Every place you want to indent just set your cursor and hit 'shift insert' and it will pop that piece of programing in where your cursor was. A cute trick for indenting. The other point as we are all learning how to be a professional writer we need to always have our work look professional so spacing is a big deal.

Grammar and Spelling Craving for more than this ordinary life I so “blessedly” given. <--- If you read this out loud it doesn't make sense it is missing some word or words to complete the thought. In keeping with the intended way the character was saying this. Wouldn't adding 'was' between "blessedly" and 'given' work better. It would read: 'Craving for more than this ordinary life I so “blessedly” was given.'

I am going the motions of life without even the courtesy of feigning interest. <--- The first part "I am going the motions" my mind keeps wanting to add 'through' to it. It would read like: "I am going through the motions of life without even the courtesy of feigning interest."

“Crap, he can’t die in my room. I’m too young to go to jail.” Frantically I start to search for the first aid kit but can’t find it anywhere. I start to hyperventilate until reason calms me down. I’m in my kitchen. The first aid kit is in the bathroom. Face-palm.
you start out in the bedroom now you teleported to the kitchen? You need to tell us how you got to the kitchen. A suggestion would be: "I rushed out of my room looking for the first aid kit."

With a sigh a lye down next to him, this is my bed after all, and closed my eyes to welcome sleep. <---I believe you really didn't want to burn him with lye. I would suggest: With a sigh I laid down next to him, this is my bed after all, and closed my eyes to welcome sleep.

One last tip if you read your work out loud before you upload it or save it. You can catch all these simple mistakes we all make. As much as I wanted to give you a five star rating I settled for a four star for what I read. If you feel I was unfair I would be glad to re-review it anytime or after you edit it. Whether you use my suggestions or you use another reviewers or your own.


Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a newbie of The Paper Dawg Gang."

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The Run-on King PDG Member


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .