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 Review #4000424 |
 I love ghost stories and enjoyed learning about the different castles, and the ghosts who haunt them.  I would so enjoy being able to visit these locations in person! You did a nice job giving the reader an overview. Your writing has inspired me to research these places and learn more!  Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.   Okehampton CastleThis castle is in ruins but there is a story to tell. Mary Howard, a well to do lady disinherited her children. {How sad.} The reasons aren't known. In the spirit world, she has been confused with Lady Frances Howard-a woman who poisoned her four husbands. She is believed to travel across Dartmoor in a carriage made out of the bones of the husbands she murdered. I became a bit confused while reading the above. You start out with Mary Howard and state that she is often confused with Lady Frances Howard. When you continue the statement, you use she, since you started the paragraph with Mary Howard, she should refer to her, but as we read, we understand that instead it belongs to Lady Frances. You may wish to reword it a bit: This castle is in ruins, but there is a story to tell. There are two well known women who haunt this castle. Mary Howard was a well-to-do lady, who disinherited her children, though no one knows the reasons why. Often times, she is confused with the more sinister Lady Frances Howard. Lady Frances poisoned all her four husbands. . .  This castle is in ruins, too. It was struck by lightning in 1685.The castle was struck by lightning in 1685, leaving it in ruins.  She wonders the ruins of the castle in remorse.Filled with remorse, she wanders the ruins.  In the dungeon of the ruins, there was a stone spiral staircase that lead down into the dungeon. There's a stone spiral staircase which leads down into the dungeon.  This would be spooky. Not needed  They had been bricked up to die. They haunt the castle. They were buried alive, behind a wall of bricks. They haunt the castle. You don't need the last sentence, as you already told us previously they were ghosts.  It is believed that Henry VI{he was stabbed to death by the Duke of Gloucester}, his wail of painStabbed to death by the Duke of Gloucester, Henry VI's wail of pain... Thanks for sharing!  WRITE ON! Tracey    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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