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Review #4000459
Viewing a review of:
 A Dark Presence Open in new Window. [18+]
A presence makes itself known in a home. If you dare to enter, give it a click!
by SSTheWriter Author Icon
Review of A Dark Presence  Open in new Window.
Review by đź‘Ľintuey Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*Reading* Wicked story. I believe this story has a lot of potential! You have a lot packed in a small space. I felt like you told me the whole story, and because of that, I missed feeling much of the emotion that I should have felt, while reading.

*Flower3* The Beginning- Starts out nicely. We learn right away that the mansion is haunted, or at least perceived to be haunted by the main character. *Rolleyes*

*Balloon2* The Title- Really caught my attention and is what made me want to read the story.

*Flower1* The Description: A presence makes itself known in a home. If you dare to enter, give it a click!

The first part does a great job stating what the story is about. I think it would be better without the last sentence. *Smile*

*Balloon4* The Ending- Great ending! I believe it's the strongest part of the whole story.

*Flower3* The characterization- Left me wanting more. I didn't get to know the main character too much at all. I would have liked a bit more visual descriptions of him and his personality.

*Balloon4* What I liked best about the story- My favorite part is the ending. Well done! *Bigsmile*

 Below are only my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.

*Flower1* simulating the hair on my arms.

stimulating the hair on my arms.

*Flower2* As I descend the stairs, one hand against the rail and other against the wall,

As I descend the stairs, one hand is against the rail, the other against the wall,

*Flower3* Their glassy eyes roam my sturdy limps,

Their glassy eyes roam my sturdy limbs,

Although, in reflection, how sturdy will your limbs actually be, if you're scared senseless? *Wink*

*Flower4* Stricken with shock, I couldn’t run.

Stricken with shock, I can't run.

*Flower5* I believe the house's, laughs in scorn.

I believe the house laughs in scorn.

*Flower6* I start to shiver with the wall,

I start to shiver against the wall,

Thank you for sharing your writing with us.

*Note* WRITE ON! *Note*

Tracey
A new banner for The Dark Society.



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