Hi,

I found this piece by searching the erotica and horror genres. It's a nice little piece, but I feel if I had found it whilst looking for just an erotica piece I would have been rather disappointed. It almost comes across as a prologue for a longer story which would then draw in the erotic and romantic elements hinted at by your choice of genres.

But as said it's a nice story, in general you didn't overdo the dialogue which is good, I felt the part where she gives him the false memory of the night could have done with breaking up a little. It was quite a dense block of speech.

Your writing style is good, with a nice even pace. I thought I'd take an in-depth look at the following passage:

"I'm about to touch your hand with an eraser and you won't feel anything." Then she jabbed his hand with the pin. Jimmy made no response, and Magda nodded. Then she reached for a double-edged razor blade that she had hid in a crevice of the couch. Magda took Jimmy's right wrist in her left hand and held the razor blade above it. As she did so, she felt her fangs lengthened in her eyes became opaque, revealing her a vampire. Her sharp incisors extended, and a lustful grin had replaced her warm pleasant smile. Magda's nostrils flared as she experienced hunger for the vital fluid.

I'm slightly confused about the need for a razor when she has fangs, and having it hid in a crevice in the couch just seems a little odd, maybe she should buy herself a small purse to keep pins and razor blades in.

There is the small typo when it comes to her eyes but I didn't spot any others in the piece.

I felt the "revealing her a vampire" was a little heavy handed and unneeded.

Finally, I think it would read slightly better to switch round your use of "incisors" and "fangs", it would give the impression of the incisors growing till they were long enough to be classified as fangs.

That's the end of me being ultra-picky, hope it was helpful to you. Feel free to disregard everything I've written.

MS