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Review #4065668
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Review by A Non-Existent User
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: | (3.5)
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Hey Siobhan, this is my "I write" review. I've written a few comments below, but basically my review boils down to: well written at the sentence level, confusing at a paragraph level. It's possible I was just really out of it while reading, but you should keep in mind that readers can be dumb *Facepalm*

Words:
You weren’t kidding when you said an “everyone-friendly story.” I’ve been reading Calvin and Hobbs comic strips recently, and they have the exact sweet, light-hearted tone as this. It’s very pleasant to read.

The grammar was flawless.

The sentence structure/description/other words were varied and interesting.

The phrase “Four years old and already convinced she had the independence of an eighteen year old.” Seemed a little long and clunky to me.

Plot:
Simple and endearing plot-line, but lacks a little coherency. After the opening paragraph, the daughter vanishes and is not mentioned again.

I can’t think of a good subheading:
When you switched from talking about “my daughter” to “my mum,” I thought for a moment you’d switched perspectives. This disorientation could be remedied by a few words of transition (like, why are suddenly getting into another car?) plus some language tweaks to give the impression of an adult and her mum (perhaps call her “my own mother” or whatever).

Edit: I’ve just realised what you meant by the whole scene: the narrator and her daughter were both getting into the narrator’s mother’s car, the four-year-old managing easily while the adult does not. This means the plot makes a lot more sense.

I’ll leave my initial comments there so you can understand how I misinterpreted the scene.

Good luck in the contest,
Taliah


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.

P.S. I know you like writing colourful reviews, so I figured you'd like receiving them. Bring on the purple!
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 01/24/2015 @ 4:56pm EST
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