Hi, Darleen,

Here is a review for "Invalid Item"  that you requested.

Please, note that you have my highest respect for sharing your work with us. You always have the last say on your work, and you are under no obligation to follow my suggestions.

Comments and Observations:

I like this chapter in general. It starts the story just fine and ends on a high note to arouse curiosity and keep the reader reading.

Opening:
Good opening. It comes with a warning to the main character.
First sentence: “Friday had come quicker than Anja would’ve liked.” Only because this is the first sentence and the following narrative uses regular grammar with nothing colloquial for a few paragraphs, I suggest you write it as ‘Friday had come quicker than Anja would have liked.’ Inside the story, any other colloquial usage will be fine.

Characters:
The main character is Anja and you have shown who she is well enough through her actions.
As to the antagonist, Mrs. Ubelgeist, a physical description of her when they first meet would help the story. I know that there is a description in the photo of her, but a description from Anja’s POV, when she first meets her--or her recollection of her from the time when she first met her, if she met her earlier-- would help make the antagonist three-dimensional, and possibly, more ominous.

Flow of Action:
Good flow, and the place and item descriptions give the atmosphere to the story. The only thing I can say is: If the described places and items are important in some way and will show up later in the story, keep them. If not, you won’t need unnecessary descriptions, although they are done very well and in detail.

Tension: The tension and pace of the chapter is very good with slight variances in the main part, and heightening as the story progresses, and reaching its full excitement at the end. This can leave a reader at the edge of his/her seat, worrying about the protagonist.

Ending of the Chapter:
Excellent ending. A bit unexpected, yet highly emotional for the main character.

A very good first chapter.


Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

In this area, if I quote your writing, it will be in rose, and blue will show what I would opt/suggest.


A young boy hypnotized by the up and down spin of his glowing yo-yo, crossed over near the same spot without even looking up.
Comma after ‘boy’ or:
Hypnotized by the up and down spin of his glowing yo-yo, a young boy crossed over near the same spot without even looking up.


A chill tickled her spine as she walked in and she barely heard the soft click as it closed behind her.
To give her entrance more drama, and also because the two actions on the two sides of the conjunction and are not closely related:
A chill tickled her spine as she walked in. She barely heard the soft click as the gate closed behind her.

She continued up the cobblestone walkway lined with dark flowers Anja didn't recognize.
She is the only one there. The repetition of her name here is not needed since it was mentioned in the earlier paragraph.
She continued up the cobblestone walkway lined with dark flowers she didn't recognize.

These look wilted and dead, thought Anja, but the soil is rich and moist. Could this be what she makes her curses from?
Indicate the thoughts in italics or in some other way.

It had a large cat head with a knocker hanging from it’s mouth.
It’s: short for it is // its: possessive pronoun
It had a large cat head with a knocker hanging from its mouth.

“Right on time,” Mrs. Ubelgeist said, “come in, quickly, I must get going soon.”
Punctuation
“Right on time,” Mrs. Ubelgeist said. “Come in, quickly; I must get going soon.”

Anja followed her in as she shuffled down the hall. It was covered in dark portrait paintings of men and women posed with staffs topped with jewels and books as thick as her arms.
There are two females here. Who’s the one shuffling? Also, you can use one sentence here more effectively because the action has slowed down and the description belongs to the hall mentioned in the first sentence.
Anja followed her in as Mrs. Ubelgeist shuffled down the hall, which was covered in dark portrait paintings of men and women posed with staffs topped with jewels and books as thick as her arms.

The room was covered with so many trinkets, that Anja had no idea where to even begin.
Punctuation. No comma is needed before that.


A siamese sat by the cabinet covered in cards, licking its paw.
Siamese starts with a capital letter.

A black cat sat with it’s paw resting on a small pail full of change.
its

a bunch of knick knacks you could only find shopping
Don’t separate knickknacks. It is one word.

“This is the other room you’re allowed in, it’s yours for the weekend.”
Two full sentences. They need a better connection than just a comma.
“This is the other room you’re allowed in, and it’s yours for the weekend.”
Or
“This is the other room you’re allowed in. It’s yours for the weekend.”

picture of a dark eyed young girl.
picture of a dark-eyed, young girl.

She assumed must’ve been her daughter because they shared the same hook like nose
The adjunct part of the sentence is missing its subject.
She assumed [the girl in the picture] must’ve been [Mrs. Ubelgeist’s] daughter because they shared the same hook-like nose

It was hard to imagine a girl that dressed in complete black, lay sleeping in such a feminine room.
It was hard to imagine a girl, who dressed in complete black, sleeping in such a feminine room.

"Never judge a book by it’s cover".
It’s/its problem, and the period should be inside the quotation mark.
"Never judge a book by its cover."

I want every shell and yolk scrubbed from my house, feed my cats twice a day, and water my plants.
The grammatical construction of the first part of the sentence doesn’t fit with the following part. Better say:
I want every shell and yolk scrubbed from my house. You’ll feed my cats twice a day and water my plants.
Or:
I want you scrub every shell and yolk in my house, feed my cats twice a day, and water my plants.

Anja stood by the open door for a few minutes watching Mrs. Ubelgeist climb into her cab.
Comma before watching.

She found soups, broths, stews, sauces, pastas, crackers… boring… this was like anyone else’s house.
Punctuation.
She found soups, broths, stews, sauces, pastas, crackers. Boring! This was like anyone else’s house.

He stared at Anja and then his ears would perk up at the scratching.
Tense
He stared at Anja and then his ears perked up at the scratching.

Seeming to read her thoughts, the cat meowed at her breaking her thought that
Comma before ‘breaking.’

As her eyes adjusted to the dim light Anja saw a large white sheet.
Comma after ‘light’ because the introductory clause needs to be separated from the main clause.

Anja took another couple [of] steps down and tried to see if she could tell what it was.

All she could see was the legs of 2 wrought iron chairs and between them 3 large wrought iron legs.
Write single digit numbers in letters.
All she could see was the legs of two wrought-iron chairs and between them three large wrought-iron legs.

The center object was what was giving off that faint glow, she could tell that, but what it was, was a mystery.
Punctuation
The center object was what was giving off that faint glow; she could tell that, but what it was, was a mystery.

but she remembered Mrs. Ubelgeists words.
Lacking apostrophe to show belonging.
but she remembered Mrs. Ubelgeist’s words.

Anja figured it was feeding time, and poured dry cat food into the three bowls in the kitchen.
No comma before ‘and’ as the two sides of it are sharing the same subject.

They sat on their mats which Anja noticed had their names.
Comma before ‘which’

Lynxy was “Bartholomew”, Fluffy was “Murrietta” , and Orange was “Napoleon".
Three full sentences. Separate them with semicolons or make them into two separate sentences combining the second and third sentences with a comma and an ‘and’.

Anja would do best with her own names she’d grown accustom to already.
The meaning could be clearer.
Anja would do best giving the cats names she’d grown accustomed to.

The cats distracted by food, she backed away from them and headed to her room to work on some homework.

The cats were distracted by food, and she backed away from them, heading to her room to do her homework.

As Anja got settled in her cell phone rang.
Comma after ‘in’

“How’s the stay at the witches den?”
“How’s the stay at the witch’s den?”

Everythings pretty normal, Marcus was so full of shit.”
Punctuation.
Everything’s pretty normal. Marcus was so full of shit.”

“Yeah but why egg and old lady’s house over nothing, I thought hanging with him and his buddies would be a bit more fun, not land me at the cat lady’s house, that’s all she is.
Punctuation and sentence.
“Yeah, but why egg an old lady’s house over nothing? I thought hanging with him and his buddies would be a bit more fun, not land me at the cat lady’s house, [as] that’s all she is.

“I don’t know, I didnt go check it out, that rooms off limits.”
“She’s not home, shes not gonna know,”
Punctuation and sentence separation problem.
“I don’t know. I didn’t go check it out; that room’s off limits.”
“She’s not home; she’s not gonna know,”

“Anja, drop the good girl act, have some fun, snoop a bit, Be fun for a convo if he asks you to prom at the game Sunday.”
Same reasons as above.
“Anja, drop the good girl act. Have some fun, and snoop a bit, Be fun for a convo, if he asks you to prom at the game [on] Sunday.”

“I’m not going to the game, I’m going to visit with Billy at the hospital”
“I’m not going to the game; I’m going to visit with Billy at the hospital”

“Yeah his wheezing has mom and dad really scared, I haven’t seen him since he went in.”
Punctuation.
“Yeah, his wheezing has mom and dad really scared. I haven’t seen him since he went in.”

“I’ll risk it, thanks for calling Brit, I got work to do before the scrub tomorrow.”
“I’ll risk it. Thanks for calling Brit; I got work to do before the scrub tomorrow.”

He sat, ears perked, watching her, just outside the doorway.
Thought order in the sentence.
He sat just outside the doorway, [his] ears perked, watching her.

Unimpressed with her stories of magic and mayhem her parents said
comma after mayhem.

She’d never hang out with Marcus and his friends again period. Popular or not, this was bullshit, they should be here helping her.
She’d never hang out with Marcus and his friends again, period. Popular or not, this was bullshit. They should be here helping her.

Drying her hair, she walked down the stairs and into the living room flipping on the TV to see what the latest celebrity gossip was. She couldnt believe Beyonce
[After] drying her hair, she walked down the stairs and into the living room. She flipped on the TV to see what the latest celebrity gossip was. She couldn’t believe Beyonce

she couldnt seem to find Lynxy
couldn’t

She stepped, Lynxy meowed again, agitated. Furball stood staring at her as if to say what the hell are you waiting for, go down and get him!
Stepped where? Or did you mean stopped? Also punctuation.
She stopped. Lynxy meowed again, agitated. Furball stood staring at her as if to say, “What the hell are you waiting for? Go down and get him.”

I showed the mistakes I caught, up to the sentence, “The purple light spread out from under the sheet blanketing the room in its glow.” You guys are going to need a proofreader for this chapter and the ones that follow.

Best wishes with your work.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .