Review number # 3 of week 3/12-3/18

Hi Charlie,

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review for Simply Positive.

Please remember I am a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: Ink Stained

First Impression: The title does not feel right to me. I had to read the stanzas more than once because the sentences were so long, I felt overwhelmed because there is not place to end.

What I liked: The images you created of a despondent person looking for acknowledgement of his existence.

What needs your attention: In the first stanza I would put a period after but on the left instead. Ditch the word and. 2nd stanza has too many and's ditch the first one, Put a period after years. Begin with his lips. 3rd stanza, put a period after go. 4th stanza, After radio put a period Ditch the and
6th stanza ditch the opening and, in this case the word so would work or leave it with I

Favorite Parts: 5th stanza, has such powerful images of the confusion and contentment the author longs to have but doesn't know how to get there. The loneliness, and not the fitting in feeling are clear through out.

Overall Impression: The excessive amount of and's to me made it feel sing songy, I know that is not what you want to portray. This needs some editing but I really think it has a strong base.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure!
Lyn




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .