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 Review #4095637 |
 HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"  It's difficult to tell where this story is going to go at the moment. There is something quite poignant about the way John wasn't ready to let Alice go but I suppose that is true in many failed relationships where one partner wants to move on and the other hasn't given up on the relationship. At the same time, from the way you described Alice she appeared quite callous. She didn't want any small talk or any reminders of their happy times together, she went straight to business and left as soon as she had achieved her goal, his signature on the piece of paper. As there was very little background story, the readers were left wondering why she was acting in that way. Perhaps you will explain that when you continue the tale. John was clearly hurt but did as she asked, and he wasn't in the mood to go out with his friends later but chose to spend the evening on his own. I would think that was probably a fairly normal reaction. However, since it was important enough to mention it seems that there was more to it than just leading into a lonely evening, but you didn't give the readers any clues what might happen. There were a few grammatical errors and if you are planning to continue this tale, you might want to take a look at these. When a different character acts or speaks you need to begin a new paragraph, even if that means that a paragraph might only consist of one line. It makes it easier for the readers to follow who is speaking and it breaks long paragraphs into more manageable ones which aren't so hard to read. I hope you find the time to carry on with this tale because you have only just started to explain their breakup and it would be interesting to see what caused it and how their relationship is going to continue or if John meets someone else. As you left John in quite a miserable point, I hope that you are planning happier times for him.  
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You responded to this review 03/16/2015 @ 10:03pm EDT