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What Caught My Eye

I was just looking through newbie poetry and saw the title. I thought it might be interesting. There are certainly lots of opportunities for fun imagery at a park.

Language / Word Choice

The word choice is engaging. There are lots of words throughout that aren't dull everyday words. I appreciate that.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is alright most of the time. The final line is a bit awkward because of its length. There are others in which the words themselves are slightly awkward, like "darkness comes as the colored lights are now on". That is rough to say. On a side note, it doesn't make sense either... it seems to imply that darkness comes because the lights come on. Cut the 'now' and it would seem a little bit more like what I think you mean to say: as the darkness comes, the lights turn on.

Imagery

Strangely, there isn't that much imagery in here. You list things at a carnival or theme park... but you don't describe them all that much. I can't see or hear or smell it. I don't feel like I'm there at all. For me, that is a major downfall for a poem that is all about setting really.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

The first line isn't a complete thought really. It seems like a strange opener to have a comma'd list just sitting there unattached to anything. The rest of the list also seems to be based on the first word... Theme parks: games, music, slides... that seems like the most obvious punctuation. There are other rough patches, but opening lines are particularly important.

Effect

Anyway, this is a cute little piece but it could be much more engaging. It reads as a rough draft. With a thorough revision, it could be very nice.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .