I'm not a professional writer. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.



First Impressions: Kyra lost all her pictures. That has got to be depressing. Though it'll give her something to stay occupied with for a few hours, maybe. It's odd, and I can't help but wonder if it's immediately linked to the fact that the archaeologists can't seem to get aerial snapshots. Meaningless speculation, you might say.

Anyway, their conversation in regards to the camera is interrupted by the arrival of the mentioned locals. These fellows DO NOT want the desert dug up for religious reasons, apparently, and it's continuing to be a big problem for everyone. It might have gotten worse if Ari hadn't intervened, and Burta says - at long last - that she'd rather not have Kyra see it.

From there not much exciting happens. Kyra FINALLY shows some interest in a puzzle (which is really a vase, but I guess it still counts as a puzzle since she's got to put the pieces together). It's odd how she hasn't shown any strong inclination towards puzzles until that exact moment.

When she's done in there, Burta urges her to go off and take some more pictures for Poppy to replace the old ones. As far as I can tell she gets good shots and is wary of shadowy corners and camel spiders. Can't blame her. I hate spiders, and the ones around here aren't typically dangerous or hideous. I can't imagine running into something like the one she did.

But when she finds a nice hilltop to gaze out over and leans down to snap another picture, the ground gives way. Talk about flat to exciting in no time.


My Favorite Elements: This chapter is shorter than the others were so far, but manages to cover a lot in that span just the same. The situation with the locals is finally brought into light (because honestly for a while there it felt like some shadowy, unfortunate happenstance that nobody really gave deep thought now that they had guards), and there's some back story on Burta. Better still, excitement occurs. The part where the story starts to turn towards its point.


Suggestions: Not much to suggest for this chapter, but I wish there were some mention of the fact that Kyra - whilst taking pictures - wandered much further than she had in her last trip. I know Ari might be very busy, but it might help explain why nobody heard her when she screamed for help. She might have also shown some slight unease about those locals. Imagine if she ran into one out there?

Then again, she is not one of the archaeologists, so she isn't strictly at fault for the dig.

She hit camera in frustration.

Not wrong, but it made me flinch. I can't stand it when people are reckless with their devices.

his hands raise in a gesture of peace and speaking calmly.

Missing the past tense here. Should be 'raised'.

" Snore. Nothing hot?"

Yes, there's a space there that shouldn't be, but it's really the comment 'snore'. Kyra says it earlier several times, but it strikes me as odd that Burta is now. It - to me - is too odd a phrase to be used by so many people.

Kyra took her seat closest to the air-conditioned

This must be where the 'd' got off to. This should be 'air-conditioner'.


Overall: Shorter, less to comment on, and one of the better chapters so far. I didn't notice anything greatly wrong with it. In fact I kind of like how the action is finally taking place since the daily rhythm started to get a slightly monotonous feel. I was wondering if anything would happen (though I suspected it might when she found all her pictures wiped out, and she went to get more all by her lonesome. So not subtle ). That is, of course, it will be exciting if she doesn't die first.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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