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 Review #4147225 |
| Hi Simon! I found your story here "The Shameless "Plug" Page"  and, after reading it I wanted to send along a few thoughts. Overall Impression The unique title of of this piece drew my attention. And the brief description made this a definite piece to review. You might consider changing classification from 'fiction' to 'short story'. When I look for something to read, I filter by short story, not fiction. This may be true for others. I enjoyed reading this story, which I'm guessing is the beginning of a larger work. Genre choice Other than the train, I kept wondering where the Steampunk came in, but there weren't any of the usual indications. Gears, pocket watches, goggles, mechanical things from the 18th century. Maybe those elements will be apparent later? Engaging the reader One example. Think about using the train to greater effect. It makes all sorts of whooshing and wheezing noises. And there are distinctive smells. Details using the five senses helps flesh out the plot and bring added interest for the reader. A few thoughts There's a lot of clues here, but not much on detail. The brief description told me Simon was a hired gun. I wonder what his other assignments were? Maybe he could reminisce about those so the reader can gain deeper insight as to his character and backstory. Characters/Dialogue I liked your original name choices, but they didn't give any clues as to the culture. You did an outstanding job showing nobility vs. the regular guys. The high point seemed to be Simon's comment about revolutions. Very insightful and clever. The small bit of dialogue sounded authentic. I could easily picture the great Lord offering Simon a cigar. Can't resist wondering if ... Hmm. Simon's never heard of a sandwich. I wonder what that means? I wonder if Simon will fall in love with the scientist? Why didn't Lord Barukan give Simon a physical description, but not her name? A few questions Why would Lord Barukan think that the documents would not have been opened? Isn't that what any scientist would do when they escaped with secrets? If Simon was trying to keep a neutral face, why did he first put emphasis on the word 'that'? Wrapping it up Sorry for asking so many questions. Sometimes, when people ask me questions it helps. You have many interesting elements unfolding in this intriguing plot. "Li Jenai Koram' was left wide open for the next chapters of your work. Keep on writing!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/18/2015 @ 8:34pm EDT