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Review #4174461
Viewing a review of:
 Family Drama, Angels, and Karma  [E]
After family drama I am left with a testimony. God sent a angel in disguise to comfort me.
by Danza
Review by Joyous
Rated: E | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Before I start, I feel obligated to tell you that I am not a pious person. This ONLY means that I am not aware of the belief systems and practices of organized religion, and I ask for your forgiveness if I say anything that Upsets you. Also know that anything I say is my own personal opinion and you are, by all means, allowed to take or leave any or all of it.

Now for the review:

The organization is a little confusing by the lack of paragraphs. I would make a new paragraph at "I finally just gave it all to God and asked him for guidance in writing them a final reply." From here on, I will refer to anything before that sentence as the first part, and afterwards as the second.

I see the first part as setting the scene for the second part, but it's vague. I realize you may not want to share your life struggles with a bunch of strangers, but if you try to keep your readers from your conflict, you'll only succeed in distancing them. I would lay the details out on the situation and leave them to decide on that part. It isn't the focus of the piece, and if you play it right, the conflict will only serve to increase the impact of your connection with God. I would put in the injustice of placing this fight in a public setting instead of talking to you and your sisters personally, tell the story in full of your conflict from your side so that you are the underdog heroine, and leave it at that. Then the second part would have a larger impact because the reader would see God helping a person in need, as you are trying to convey.

Line by Line:

"About two months ago our whole family got into a Facebook war." Going back to my original point, after reading this first line I am expecting to hear about this war in detail. From the Title, I would assume that it would lead to angels and karma...perhaps sudden luck or a personal savior. The next line I find a bit redundant. In my experience, war is never good. I have never seen it depicted as such. Sure the heroes are doing what is right and so on but the war itself is never good. So to say "let's just say it wasn't good" is redundant.

The next 10 sentences list out the reasons you feel abused. The simple number of reasons allows me to connect with your emotions a bit. It feels as though it goes on and on and I get tired just reading about it. However -- and please understand that emotionally I know where you're coming from, and this is just from a reader's perspective -- it seems as though you are trying to justify yourself in a childlike way...almost begging me to understand that your are right and they are wrong. Again if you give the details of the conflict as you see it, then there is no need for all of that, and I believe it would have a more powerful impact because then I as the reader would feel as though I had come to the conclusion that you are right on my own. I wouldn't need convincing at that point.

I WOULD keep the sentence "We were told Karma was going to get us back." That's a really good Segway to the second part of your story.

"Which I didn't ever pay attention to." Never start a sentence with "which". Consider "I never really paid any attention to Karma." The next sentence is another redundant one. The fact that you don't pay any attention to Karma implies that you don't believe in it. I do like "I believe things happen as they come." That gives the reader an understanding of what you think of instead of Karma.

"I couldn't take it anymore." Is also redundant.

"He was with me the whole time I was writing. Before I submitted it...talked to in years. It was one of those chain messages." I would suggest combining those three sentences: "He was with me the whole time I was writing, but before I submitted it, I received a message from one of my sisters who I haven't talked to in years with one of those chain messages."

"I almost closed her message just as soon as I realized what it was. But something got into me to keep reading." And combine these... "...realized what it was, but something kept me reading."

At this point, I would quote the actual chain message. Again to add detail and allow the reader to connect with you more.

Unless you feel as though your audial vision is too significant, I would suggest leaving that out. It doesn't change anything in the story, and you can simply say "as I was reading this, "In The Arms of an Angel" instantly came to mind." Or something to that effect. Short, and gets the point across. If you DO think it's too significant to leave out, I would weave it in with first part, preferably as part of the details of your conflict. That would allow the reader to automatically connect the two together and see the significance then.

"I went ahead and sent the message to my family. I went on with my day like usual." Suggest combining: "I went ahead and sent the message to my family, and went on with my day as usual."

"I knew that all I knew in the song was in the arms of an angel fly away from here and I just had to know the rest of the song." Suggest revising: "I only knew one line from the song."

"Everyone that knows me knows I follow my husband to his jobs and we stay in a hotel" Consider revising...you want the readers to feel like they know you. By saying "everyone that knows me" you break that connection.

"Where it said I sent you an angel last night. It was God letting me know he sent me an angel." Consider combining: "...angel last night, it was God..."


I hope this review helps and that I haven't offended you in any way. Please remember my first statement that these are only my opinions that I am stating as fact, and you are free to take or leave them as you see fit.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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