| Just a reminder I am here to review and give suggestions. Any of which are my opinion and you can use them or not. Both are given with reverence for your style of writing and hope to help not just you but myself as well. If you have any questions about the review or suggestions don't be afraid to reply, email, or IM me in response. We are all learning to be better writers, including myself.
Title & Imagery:
Hey there and welcome to WDC. When you mentioned you used poetry as an outlet for your grief and emotions I just had to read what you posted. As a poet who suffers from Bi-Polar, depression & anxiety I can relate. Poetry is a large outlet for me. It's become a sort of diary of my life. When I read this particular poem I could see what you were going through and what you're hoping for. The title certainly says it all and you've painted some good imagery.
Of course I won't worry about rhyme since it's free form. Most of mine are the same. the form is fine as well.
The flow and rhythm of the poem stutters a bit in places due to the language you're using. Some of it is mostly due to your word choice. It's hard to say "change something" in a poem which says what you want to say. But I'll get to that a little later.
I do like your style and tone. As I mentioned earlier you paint the picture of what's happened and what's happening now. It's easy to see what you intend to do in your life and what you want.
Word Choice....In poetry sometimes less is more. In this poem you've left nothing to guess about. you've spelled it all out for the reader. There's nothing wrong with it for sure. But for me there could be some sentences which could be shortened, some words left out so the reader can fill in something for themselves. Or perhaps some sentences rearranged to change the meaning a little.
Ex: 2nd stanza.....
your last words echo in my head
"I'm tired. I've had enough"
my heart broke as your heart beat its last
I regret things I've never spoken
memories haunt me of what I should've done.
I wish I could tell you... I've moved on.
Again, this is only a suggestion and I would never presume to tell you how to write your own poetry.
I especially like the following line(s):
"I need to be stronger and stop allowing into sadness be drawn. Maybe then I can believe... I've moved on."
This last line in the last stanza spoke to me because I'm going through my own sadness. It's troubling to try and go through things without someone to stand beside you or understand exactly how you feel about something. But to know there's someone there is heartening. We all take strength from something or someone. I wish you luck in your endeavors.
I liked the poem overall. As I mentioned before you do have a great form for imagery. It paints a great picture very easily. Great job and keep writing. A suggestion since it sounds like you've been writing poetry for a while. Go back to your older poetry and see if you can make it better. When I looked at my older poetry I found that I'd grown as a writer and could indeed make it better. Enriching the form, style and imagery of what I originally intended to say. Last...Again Welcome to the site. We can always use more poets.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
| You responded to this review 02/06/2016 @ 9:37pm EST