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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4195062
Review #4195062
Viewing a review of:
Musings... Open in new Window. [18+]
Writing, scribbling, etc.
by Gaby Author Icon
         Review for entry/chapter: "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window.
Review of Musings...  Open in new Window.
Review by Shaye Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Gaby Author Icon,

I am Lorraine and I am reviewing your piece Invalid Entry from {sitem:} today in affiliation with "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window..

*Flowerw* This is a review from "WdC Kind Hearts" Open in new Window. *Flowerw*


Title: This short story is all about a man with secrets he's apparently never shared, until after(?) his death. Strange indeed, but a suitable title.

First Impression: This is a curious little tale, written in a hurry for my evil contest, I suspect. *Laugh*

Plot: It's seems to be more of an introduction to a longer piece than a story in it's own right. You've introduced characters, setting and the beginning of a plot about the old man and some mysterious treasure, but we don't have any more. There's nothing to wrap it up. It's like the first episode of the TV show, you can't leave it there!

Characterisation: You've got some good characterisation here with the characters actions and dialogue coming through clearly, especially for Brandi. You've also managed to get in some physical description of her, so you've described the characters well.

Setting: You've used more than one sense to portray the location to the reader, which is a great start. *Thumbsup* I say start, because I'm still adamant you should continue this. *Wink*

Spelling/Grammar: There's just a few typos, probably from being near a deadline.

wondering in he'll - wondering if he'll
Jordan than at the wide - Jordan then at the wide

Oh, and try not to use too many exclamation marks! *Wink* The more they're used the less impact they have when you do use them. Try to explain their voices in another way.

Closing Thoughts: Thanks for the entertaining read. Now get to continuing this piece, what happens in the old man's house?

Lorraine

Reviewed as part of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
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