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 Review #4222975 |
 | Scent In The Gate  [E] A young girl gets injured and is taken into the arms of a friendly witch...  |
| (3.5)| Hi, Ella Folkes  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Here are my views on your story. However, it is your wish to take the ones you find proper and discard the others. First Impressions: Though I could not make sense of the story's title the brief description that followed was what attracted me. Especially the part of the Friendly Witch. My thoughts:  Plot - This is a simple story and seems to be the prologue to a bigger tale. I notice that you have termed this as Assignment, so this is not a complete tale in itself. Characters - The protagonist (I-Speaker), The woman in the beginning of the story and Evelin, the friendly witch. Style of writing - There is a lot of visual description, especially in the opening paragraph. The dialogues are casual.Suggestions:  Style of writing - Reading the first para, I found a few things to which I want to draw your attention. The sentences that you have used is in Violet, while the corrected words and sentences that I've given is in Red She was a plump round lady with vigorous arms and a.... Well it wasn't a smile like I would of thought.This could be written also as - She was a rotund lady with vigorous arms and a smile -- Well, it wasn't a smile like I would of thought As far as I know, the word 'round' is not used to describe people. While, 'rotund' is a better option. There are few other adjectives too carrying the same meaning. I inserted the word 'smile' before 'well' because the absence of that word creates a momentary jerk, kind of a confusion while reading. Once you have written 'smile', then you can go and describe it. The description of the smile in the sentence, would be more appealing if you wrote what it looked like. Maybe a 'sickly smile' or 'pasted smile' or any comparison which you would like to make to make the reader understand best. She had angry complexion eyes like daggersThis could be also written as - She had an angry countenance, [with/and] eyes like daggers The word 'complexion' is used for depicting the skin colour of a person. I used the word 'countenance' instead because I guess you are concentrating on indicating her expression rather than the colour. I have added the words 'with' or 'and' before 'eyes like daggers' to keep the sentence in flow.You can use one of these two words there (Any other change in the sentence can also be done). She had a fiery breath, eyes widened with anger and frustration.Since you have already described her eyes in the previous sentence, I don't think they need further description. Also, the first half of the sentence can be written as she seemed to breathe fire out of her nostrils or something like that to bring in some variety in writing. Her delicate blue eyes turned into a fervid blood redFrom the picture shown of the woman in the previous lines, readers get an idea of an angry woman. A sudden reference to her'delicate blue eyes' seem like a dampener. Instead it can be written as - Her once delicate blue eyes turned into a fervid blood red I feel that this particular sentence can follow that one where you first describe her eyes. Otherwise there are sudden shifts in focus while reading i.e. from face to eyes to breath and to eyes again, which makes it seem uncomfortable. She clenched her fists and stared at me'Glared' is a more active verb instead of 'stared' because previously you have described that her eyes were like daggers. I could picture her belting at the top of her lungs'Belting' seems to be incomplete. Instead you can use 'belting out a bellow' or just 'bellowing' (or any other related terms) "Lair" I said confusinglyThe word 'confusingly' gives a different meaning. Other than than you can write 'in confusion' or better still - "Lair?" I was confused. "oh, wait what, i don't believe you for 1 second"The '1' would look better if written in words. " defiantly" i said nodding approvingly..I think you mean 'definitely'. 'Nodding approvingly' can also be 'nodding in approval'  Grammar/spellings/punctuation/spacing: I slipped of the pavement into the road - OffI must of banged my head - have. (There are a few other places where 'have' should be used instead of 'of') she flicked her wrist and a beatiful vase flew of the side table - Beautiful; Off There are a few places where you have not used Capital for I in the dialogues.When it comes to punctuation, you have used ellipsis many times (...), where periods (.) or hyphens (-) should be used. An ellipsis (three dots) indicates that part of the text has been intentionally been left out.Dialogues, if started with a capital letter, and have at least one line spacing between them look more neat.After every dialogue, before you close the inverted commas, unless you are finishing it with a period, you need to put a comma. For example: "This is my lair[,]" she said. "Definitely[,]" I said, nodding approvingly.. "prove it" I insisted, all of a sudden she flicked her wrist and a beatiful vase flew of the side tableThe comma after 'insisted' can be replaced by a period. A comma can be put after 'all of a sudden' "prove it" I insisted[.] All of a sudden[,] she flicked her wrist... What I liked: The description is very visual and I could imagine the scene play out in front of me. I liked the way you have explained the interiors of the witch's lair too. Final thoughts: You have a flair for writing descriptions. With some more work on that and on the dialogues, you will flourish. Thanks for sharing this story with us.  Soh  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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