Hey Nita

Welcome to a Game of Thrones Battle review.

So this piece had specific requirements - thanks for including those - always nice to see what the author was aiming for.


Technicalities & Observations

Opening lines are key to any piece of writing, but especially short stories. I want to be captured instantly, I want to be enticed and intrigued to read on.



Asking a question to the reader is a good technique for hooking them - if the narration style fits, and it does here. I immediately want to know about this stranger and what you mean about a moment of promise.

The double use of 'never' highlighted in red is a little jarring so close together. Repetition of words is something to look out for. Later on we have 4-5 uses of escalator all within a couple of sentences. Changing the wording to get around this often makes writing stronger.

For example here I'd rewrite it something like:

Have you ever had that moment where you lock eyes with a stranger, and experience a surreal connection filled with promise and awareness? I never had; well not until the day on the escalator.

~



The orange part isn't necessary. We know we're stepping on the escalator so there's no need to further clarify it. Just repetition.

~



You'd just mentioned John Kennedy, it appearing again here felt clunky. I like the part about recognising being perhaps because of this celebrity lookalike, but I'd suggest finding some way of combining the thought into the one mention of John.


Characters / Dialogue


There's a strange mix of emotions and actions going on around this section. She's looking down, but notices the stranger? She's awkwardly avoiding contact, and yet is happy in a new outfit with friends. Seems oddly contradictory and made it a little difficult to really understand this character and get into their shoes.

Dialogue is minimal in this piece. I would put it on new lines just for formatting reasons. It comes across a little scripted, not as natural as actual dialogue would be. Try reading it out to yourself and perhaps tweak it a little.


Pacing and Plot

An unusual choice for regret, but I like it. The regret of 'what ifs' can be powerful. I good choice you made, but I really feel you could have done more with it.


Summary
Not a bad short, but you had 1600 more words available to you from the prompt and I think you could have used some of those to bring the scene to life a little more. Some banter with your friends leading up to the escalator perhaps. Showing us the scene rather that having her 'talk' the scene to the reader.

Happy Writing



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .