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 Review #4256060 |
      A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Christopher Roy Denton I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as a submission in the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, which I found in PARAGRAPH 13: “Happy sweet sixteen, W.D.C.,” I murmur.! In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review: Your Words: Black My Impressions as I read: Green Editing Suggestions: Red OVERALL IMPRESSION I rubbed my hands together and leaned forward in my chair as soon as I read your opening line, and I stayed that way throughout the chapter. I sat back at the conclusion, because for all the build up, there was no hook begging me to turn the page. We know it's the end of the world, and we know about his day and his search for a drink and the result of that search, but that's it. This could easily be a stand alone snippet, with any sensible reader left to determine: and then the world ended. Life isn't fair. Yes, I know this is a time travel story; I read it in the teaser line. But . . . there isn't any reason for me to believe this is an option at the end of Chapter 1. So. My advice, and I offer it with complete conviction, is that you create a reason for Reader to turn that page. Just having a book in one's hand, with more pages to read, isn't going to do it. I have the utmost confidence, based upon your opening sentence, that if anyone can come up with an amazing hook, it is you, my new friend. What I Liked Best: There are two: Surely a man is entitled to drink when the Four Horsemen are poised at the starting gates.  Profoundly funny line! I just love it! It's funny how we frame the few successes in life but toss the true milestones, our failures, into the dustbin. The three documents displayed here should be my rejection letter from Oxford, my dismissal notification from Grantham High School and my decree absolute. Where have you been all my WDC life? This is stunning writing! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT As an aside, I'm compelled to mention we were in the sixth paragraph before you named your MC, and I was so engaged by then, I barely noticed how long I had already been reading. I gotta give you your props. That's what I call crafting a scene. Opening Sentence: "I never imagined the end of the world would be so anticlimactic." This is, in my opinion, a riveting opener. Bravo! I dare say it's done the work of an entire first paragraph. You've made me aware the story will be a narrative, and the narrator is the main character and the protagonist. It's the end of the world; one lalapalooza of a problem and an obstacle! I'm sure interested to know how (or IF) he addresses and overcomes it. (Have you noticed I am addressing your narrator as "he? I'm basing my presumption upon his thoughts. A woman would not think in terms of the end of the world as anticlimactic. I am compelled to read on to learn if I have been presumptuous, or if I am correct. *But I don't know yet if this wee hook is master crafting, or a happy accident. Opening Paragraph: As I stated above, the opening sentence did the heavy lifting for this paragraph. The sentences that followed, were, forgive me, anticlimactic. (Did I just say that out loud?) Now, that said, my let-down was short lived as your reasoning came into focus in the following paragraphs. I mention this because I bet other reviewers may jump all over you for it. So be assured, I can see why the staging is necessary and where it is directing me. You do run this risk when you write such a powerful opener. But my feeling is, it's a risk worth taking. Plot: This is where we have a little trouble. The staging continues throughout this entire chapter. And my guess is it will all begin to come into focus by chapter 2 - at least that is my hope. For all that staging, I arrived at the chapter's end with no handle of where this story is going. I want you to flesh it out a bit. The hint of a story begins to appear with the mention of Emily Murphy, but you mention her so briefly, I'm wondering if perhaps you might add in another mention of her near the chapter's end - to keep her in the reader's head. (By the time I reached the conclusion, I was laden with so much sensory information, I had forgotten her.) Please give this some consideration, even if she is not an important figure, as she is important to the narrator's state of mind, and I as a reader, need to care about Shaun. You have plenty of space; this chapter could go another thousand words very comfortably. Character Development: Your ability to maintain the first person POV without a single slip is notable, and I congratulate you. You have a few secondary characters here; the police, the dead body, etc, whose purposes are clear and necessary to the story and this chapter. I see no by-stander characters without a purpose. You have done a wonderful job of introducing the Narrator, Shaun, our protagonist; Tanja, his deceased wife, whose importance beyond this chapter is yet to be determined; and Wendy, Shaun's daughter whose importance will very likely matter to the rest of the story. The dead body of Mr. Malik was there to set the scene and introduce the idea of his son, Abdul, as well as further round-out the character of Shaun. It/he (Mr. Malik in his current state) is not likely to reappear, though he may appear in a different state, given this is a time travel story. And the police may or may not be antagonists. My suspicion, though is that Shaun's alcohol problem, yet to be determined a goal or obstacle, may even become another antagonistic character. Dialog: Shaun has a very distinct voice, but I have no real gauge with which to measure your ability to define your characters' personalities through dialog. Not in this chapter anyway. This chapter belongs to Shaun. While I did know he was the speaker at all times, I have outlined below a few times when I was not sure of whom he was speaking. Easy fixes. Spelling & Punctuation: I address these only to say, I noted no errors here whatsoever. Your copy is miraculously clean. Bless you! Form: Watch out for wordiness. I noticed a few instances of info dumping. Perhaps you can save that stuff for later when you can reveal it through dialog. CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION Structure:I do indeed believe this chapter is a good solid foundation for a complete novel. The possibilities are endless, and I just bet your take on it is going to be worth reading. But, again, I can't stress enough how much you need a hook at the chapter's conclusion. Now, a hook doesn't have to es big as the anchor of an ocean liner, it could be a wee little fish hook. It's only job is to make Reader turn the page instead of put the book on the night table and turn on Fallon. See? Figurative Language & Vocabulary:I must say, you have a real knack for a clever turn of phrase and a good sense of comedic timing and relief. Yes, you do. SUGGESTIONS FOR IPROVEMENT Yes, I do have to make note of a few things I believe can use a little tweaking. Please understand, I am not editing your novel; I would never do that. (Well, not unless you asked...  ) The edits I offer are nothing more than suggestions designed to open up the idea box. Use them or toss them as you see fit, but please consider the issue I'm addressing, as it did cause me to stop reading, and I'm pretty sure you don't want that to happen. This one goes to clarity. With no electric or gas, a morning coffee's off the menu, but this morning I crave something stronger anyway. My daughter won't be happy—Wendy has struggled to keep me on the wagon—and I have been dry two whole years, ever since the day that poor girl died. But nothing I do or don't do will bring back Emily Murphy. I find this confusing because the antecedent to "that poor girl" is Narrator's daughter. But then I learn "that poor girl" is someone completely different. Might you consider switching "that poor girl" with "Emily Murphy"? See what you think. With no electric or gas, a morning coffee's off the menu, but this morning I crave something stronger anyway. My daughter won't be happy—Wendy has struggled to keep me on the wagon—and I have been dry two whole years, ever since the day Emily Murphy died. But nothing I do or don't do will bring back that poor girl. Punctuation The three documents displayed here should be my rejection letter from Oxford, my dismissal notification from Grantham High SchoolComma and my decree absolute. If the high school diploma and the degree absolute do not go together, you need (you're going to love this) an Oxford comma. (Swear to goodness, I did not make that up.) Clarity: But it's not Tanja's purple passages I wish to imbibe. Removing that thick tome, I glance into the gap. All that remains of a bottle of single malt is a faint scratch in the varnish. She didn't confine her housekeeping to dusting. “Wendy Dawn Carter, you rascal!” As above, the antecedent doesn't exist. Previous to this sentence, Shaun was thinking of his wife, Tanja, So when he now says, "She," I'm thinking he's still talking about his deceased wife, but it can't be she who cleaned, because Narrator has already mentioned "the lack of dust" dust and Tanja's been dead for some while. I am confused and stop to go back and re-read  which yanks me right out of the story and into the reality that I am reading a book. The next sentence, however, reveals Narrator's thoughts had now turned to his daughter, Wendy. In one's own mind this happens all the time. But cut Reader some slack and provide a directional segue. So, I feel this could be fixed by exchanging very few words. I offer only a suggestion of how to do it. I'm sure there are many. What about referring to his daughter instead of using a disembodied pronoun? Something like: That daughter of mine didn't confine her housekeeping to dusting.  This review has been thoughtfully prepared for you by a proud member of ** Image ID #1953557 Unavailable **   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/05/2016 @ 2:11am EDT