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 Review #4258438 |
| A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful. Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer. Greetings Christopher Roy Denton I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 13! OVERALL IMPRESSION I loved this. Right up to the end, you had me interested and enthralled. I liked the main character a lot. You created a character I could sympathize with, even when most of the action is driven by him wanting a drink! What I Liked Best: I could picture this. It was so easy to put myself in this world you created and see it/feel it/experience it like I was there. You did great getting me into the moment and bringing me along for the ride! WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT Opening Sentence & Paragraph: The opening sentence got me and the paragraph just set that hook in deeper. You painted a picture of the end of the world, where things are almost peaceful. Plot: An illness, something to do with a Doctor Wu, has imposed a quarantine. It seems like its been going on for some time and that perhaps people aren't fairing too well as they aren't taping up houses anymore. The MC is trapped in his house, his daughter hopefully sequestered somewhere working on the cure, and he wants a drink. He takes up through the neighborhood, showing instead of telling, the devastation from the on-coming end as he heads to the corner market. Unfortunately he gets caught with his prize and shot. Character Development: So I have a good feel for the MC. He's colorful and three-dimensional. But unless he survives being shot, or the next chapter takes us back in time, this feels very much like a prequel. Publishers currently don't like prequels. Readers in general tend to skip over them. Your first chapter should start with your main character. Now that being said, I loved this chapter. I really liked your character. I just know what I was told when I put my prequel out there and had it shot down instantly. Dialog: There isn't much dialog spoken, though there is some internally, as he's alone for most of this but what's there is good and made me laugh quite often. Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: Nothing stood out but this isn't my strong suit. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp Continuity: Story kept me interested and engaged from start to finish! Clarity: Very clear. I loved how you used a simple task, going to find a drink, to SHOW the devastation the disease had wrought on the world around the main character. Hook: You've got lots of hooks! The world is under attack by a disease, that seems to be man made if the reference to Dr Wu means anything. But, you seem to kill the MC from the chapter at the end, which doesn't bode well for the story. CLOSING STATEMENT Awesome chapter! I loved this. End of the world via man made disaster has been done a lot though. I'm curious what your original hook is--what will set you apart from all the rest. Given what's here, and just what's here, I would HAVE to read on to find out! Great work. 
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/11/2016 @ 12:37pm EDT