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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

Agate
by Satuawany

Hello Chy...
You wrote about this while you were working on it, and now I'm really happy to see the finished story. The idea of deeper insights into souls and the meaning of that is part of my life as well, as you know from Apex Project. And growing up in Wyoming made me very familiar with agates having picked them up and carried them in my pocket before they collected in a dish in the house.

>>> Travis tried to focus on the collection of polished stones on the glass counter in front of him. The pain that radiated from the core of his brain had followed him inside.
I struggled with this opening pair of sentences. They didn't connect in my brain. I wanted them to be reversed:
... The pain that radiated from the core of his brain had followed him inside.Travis tried to focus on the collection of polished stones on the glass counter in front of him.
It seems like 'inside' connects to the glass counter as a logical flow. (?)

>>>I like 'crepe-paper fingers'. Great image.

>>> ...but the headache that clenched behind Travis's eyes fogged her words, blurred the colors of the stones.
This feels incomplete without an 'and' before 'blurred.'

>>> “It's this one he needs you to have.”
Not knowing who 'he' is makes a pile of questions. I imagined all sorts of situations.

>>> It was about two inches long, one inch wide, and half an inch between the polished front and back.
Not the simplest set of dimensions to read and imagine.
What about:
>>> It was a rectangular, one-by-two-inch stone, about half an inch thick between the polished front and back.

>>> The smooth, cool underside of it seemed to sink partway into his skin. Miraculously, his headache ebbed.
Yes, I could feel that. I have my own memories of what those polished stones feel like.

>>> ...and left to explore more of the French Quarter in New Orleans.
Why not just say the New Orlean's French Quarter? It's not so formal.

>>> As soon as his fingertips slid away, a flutter of pain climbed his arm...
He doesn't believe, but the conflict arises instantly.

>>> The smells of incense and hot pastries mingled over the top of so many others.
Oh yeah! I've never been to New Orleans, but I've been to Paris and Quebeck and Tehran. The associations pile up behind your words. (Those pastries!)

>>> This was ridiculous.
The mental conflict continues.

>>> ...his gaze haunted as he stared at Travis.
Great choice of 'haunted' to describe the gaze. What an odd feeling.

>>> I'm not him, his thoughts thundered. Whoever it is you think you see, I'm not him.
I think this is beyond what Travis might think about the strange look as being a mistaken identity. More like the strange weirdness he's experiencing in New Orleans. The look across the street should not look like a set-up for what's to come. (?) If the man waved or looked like he called out the idenity idea might be stronger.

>>> He'd only come close to acting on it once, in college, but he hadn't let the guy at that party kiss him, and he'd made sure to never be near him again. His small-town, Texas family would never accept it. He wasn't sure he accepted himself.
This piece of backstory-character history is interrupting the rather startling action by the super beautiful man and breaking the flow. A short phrase about Travis' physical fear about being sexally approached might work better in this moment to let it play out. In the time it takes to read and absorb the above, Travis would already be inside the cafe. Instead the man's close physical presence brings Travis up short to a total stop for the quiet "Isaiah?" line.
I love this moment because it's not anticipated. The action is believable and shocking.

>>> Fully intending to keep it simple, to say that he was not whoever it seemed he resembled, he opened his mouth and said, “I'm him.”
And then he says the opposite.This gets weird instantly. What can it mean?
Great plotting!

>>> A yearning for it overwhelmed him—a yearning for the trust and peace and love that went with the images. He loosened his hold on the agate.
Travis' repressed desires suddenly merge into something stronger, possibly not his own thoughts. It sounds like he might have dropped the agate, but he only lessens his tight hold. Symbolism at work here.

>>> To become an observer trapped within a tiny portion of his mind.
Without being connected to the previous sentence, I think this is an incomplete sentence. But the image is perfect.

>>> Was he possessed? He'd always scoffed at the idea of demon possession, figuring it was all fakery or mental illness, but that had to be what was happening to him. His demon's name was Isaiah, and the only person who knew what was happening seemed more than happy about it.
Here's my thought about this: If Travis heard the kiss and didn't feel it (which is much subtler than feeling the kiss) how would he be able to have any kind of logical thought at this moment? And it seems that he is momentarily possessed and only an observer of this reunion between two lovers. I think he's sharing some of the emotions and they feel unbelievably true/correct

>>> A part of Travis wanted to feel what that was like for himself, but mostly he wanted them to stop. Needed them to stop, even more than he needed to be in control again.
And here the logical thinking question: "Am I possessed?" This highly charged moment might work better as Travis' internal thoughts as he hears Isaiah begin speaking...faintly aware of himself as another person? (?) Is he suddenly terrified at being there, but not there? "Isaiah? I'm not..." His inner POV is that of NOT having control.

This is me thinking: I know that it all will be explained later, but this moment introduces a new character that a very emotional Travis observes from inside himself. And he sees and feels himself as another person...but it's still him. And I'm assuming he is blind only through the time of the kiss. He can see Nial and feel them still touching. What state is he in until the next moment when Isaiah withdraws.

>>> ...and he came a little closer to the backs of his eyes.
Does he see Nail? He knows the beautiful man is called Nial. Fear should dominate in the seconds before he can move again.

>>> This was New Orleans; surely it was crawling with exorcists and shamans and voodoo priestesses. One of them had to be able to help him. And then he could go home and just be normal. Pretend to be normal, at least.
Another high emotional moment with action that does not allow time for narration about New Orleans. Broken internal dialogue mixed with pain would move this forward better. I think he only runs a few steps. The pain is so severe to drop him to his knees.(?)

>>> But on top of everything that was happening, the idea that those strangers might have mistaken the situation in that way felt freeing.
I like this secondary layer of Travis' repressed feelings getting nudged a bit.

>>> ...he was afraid he'd see Isaiah staring back at him.
During their travel time this shows that Travis has partly accepted that there is another presence and his name is Isaiah.

>>> The argument sounded weak, felt weak. Because it felt right to be here with Niall, and it wouldn't feel right if the man were a liar, surely.
Deep down he feels the rightness of the situation. Part of him (the logical part) screams against it. But yet... I love this conflict!

>>> When he saw it didn't, he leaned over the arm of his chair and tucked the hair that fell forward behind his ear.
I could imagine that this is Travis' hair, but I think it's Niall's. It's not clear.

>>> —but you're both the same person. You are different pieces of the same soul.”
It's so simple when you say it like that. Although 'pieces' suggest something broken. I think they usually say 'fragments'.

>>> Then he did hear it—or imagined he did. Was there a Brian Meeks in high school?
I think this might be confusing for some folks without italicizing Isaiah's words in Travis' head. He hears them, and they are spoken, but not out loud.

This is the situation I have in Willow Tears. Telepathic dialogue from another person. I needs quotes, but it can't look like regular dialogue.

>>> “I have a dead guy in my brain?”
That's almost a funny remark. Are you going for humor?

>>> He wondered if Isaiah had actually allowed him to feel that or not.
I think if it is there...it is shared, and the agate allows that.

>>> We can give our host bodies headaches when we get too excited about something,
One of the rules about traveling souls.

>>> With some mental urging from Isaiah, Travis said, “The old woman in the shop knew.”
See, now here is a case of 'shared' POV. I have this problem all the way through Willow Tears. This was Isaiah's action. He's there listening to the entire conversation.

>>> Travis would have echoed the question, but he had Isaiah.
Again there follows internal dialogue from Isaiah.

>>> They're objects that anchor travelers.
Another rule. Something that belonged to the deceased soul?
Then I just read the rest of the rule:
>>> “items that are the same on multiple realities aren't just copies, but are somehow the same items.


>>> He needed me to have this one, so that he could communicate with me, to be something other than a pinpoint trapped in my head.”
That explains a lot and is very believable!

>>> Good God, Isaiah said in his mind. Now you're giving me a headache. Just breathe, and let's see what happens.
Internal dialogue. I think it really needs quotes and italics to read easily.

>>> Travis stared at the offered hand and felt all his own fears sink into Isaiah's overwhelming hope.
Yes, very beautiful, and a good ending.

FINAL COMMENT: Well, I liked this a lot. You know for the future there is a lot of writing about Over-Souls that include fragments of families or simply souls that have traveled together through many lifetimes. Sort of like Apex Project's Octad. It's a great concept and I know you will use it in other, longer stories.
Best, Gale


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .