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 Review #4459830 |
| ** Image ID #1389515 Unavailable ** This review is being given as part of the WDC Power Reviewers group. A gentle reminder: all opinions offered here are in the spirit of giving and to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. General Impressions Hi apologue and welcome to WDC! I found you through the Noticing Newbies forum. I was thrilled to see you'd already entered one of our contests, the Daily Flash Fiction. I was immediately impressed by your style. The pacing in this was fast and gripping, which is something my initial writing struggled with years ago. Writing a cohesive piece in under 500 words would daunt most but you seem to have carried it off well here. It felt like I experienced the character's frantic emotions well and you gave just enough juicy details. There's an aura of confusion and disembodiment that is impressive. In essence, I really like this. Favorite Part I love the ending. Simple but so impactful. Masterfully done in a single sentence. The image you presented took my breath away. Great job! Suggestions for improvement I have some general comments that may be things to consider. - Please include a word count at the bottom of the piece. This is typically a requirement in almost all WDC contests as verification of meeting the word count. It's also good for the reviewer so they know whether there's room left to work and can impact the types of comments provided. - May want to consider posting the prompt at the bottom for future reference. It can be hard days, weeks, and years later to identify the prompt that led to the piece being created. Linking to the contest as well is a bonus. - The opening to this could possibly be stronger as you start off telling us what's happening as opposed to simply showing it. It also gives away too much and takes away the impact the end when he wakes. This opening is you, the author, finding your way into the story. Revising can eliminate that issue. How you choose to do that (or if you do at all) is completely up to you. - Beware of actions that do not make sense or aren't realistic portrayals. Oftentimes in early drafts, while rushing to get concepts down, the language can become garbled and lead to unrealistic actions. Revision can help fix these issues. Here's an example from your text: Half way to my destination, my legs stop to a halt, paralysed like blocks of ice. Legs don't stop to a halt. They stop, they freeze, they refuse to move. A better way might be: Halfway to my destination, my legs halt, paralyzed like blocks of ice. ...a smirk paints across the man's face... a smirk can appear but paint just is... wrong. - There are a couple of instances of telling instead of showing, especially the announcement. You would save tremendous word count if you simply show this in a single line of dialogue with your description. Ensuing this man proves impossible... I believe the proper word here is pursuing. Ensue means: happen or occur afterward or as a result. - Be mindful of your punctuation and its impact. For example: Struggling to my feet, once again, I limp back to watch the plane takeoff, instead I witness it rise and explode into a ball of flames. The sentence would be more concise and impactful as this (I also corrected the grammar): Struggling to my feet, once again, I limp back to watch the plane take off. I witness it rise and explode into a ball of flames. You use commas several times when they should be periods. Shorter sentences will keep the tension higher and the reader racing forward instead of stumbling over their misplacement. This also leads to run on sentences. - Why is "I raced on" in quotation marks? It's not dialogue. Rating Explanation I've given this a 3.5 due to the issues highlighted above. This isn't an exhaustive list. I'm happy to do a line-by-line if you like or to adjust the rating if you decide to revise. I hope this helps and again, welcome to the WDC community. We're glad to have you here! Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding! Best of luck and keep writing! Charity P.S. Are you looking for something to review? I hope you'll stop by my portfolio showcase. I'm sure you'll find something to interest you!
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/02/2019 @ 5:47pm EST