Hi Tyler!

Your story is intriguing, I like the idea behind the mysterious crazy man with the photo and his mutterings. Leaves your reader wanting to know what he's talking about when he's saying "feel it". Also, the mystery behind his grandmother and how his mother died, all very effective in making me want to know what's gonna happen.

If I could give some feedback, (disclaimer: These opinions are mine alone, if you find them helpful, awesome! if you don't feel free to chuck 'em in the bin...) it would be to try to focus on his emotions just a touch more. We see it in the first line, which is a good hook, but when he finds his mother dead as well as for the rest of it there's no mention of his fear or anguish or whatever it is you want him to feel.

In the first line you describe the chills up his spine, but then you repeat that in the third line. I know this is for the flash fiction 300, so it would be prudent to go ahead and just use the third line as the first, as it isn't necessary to say it twice. There are plenty of places to pare it down word-wise so you can include more detail about how he feels, what the man looks like etc.

From a grammatical point of view, be sure to space your paragraphs to make it easier for your reader to follow. The way it's formatted now, the story runs together and there is no cadence provided in order to create for some dramatic pause or juxtaposition between the moments of his shock at what he's found and the moments of action when he flees.

Thanks for sharing your story, keep on writing, I'm interested to see what happens to Frank next!

-TPB



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .