%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4466477 |
| (4.5)| Hi Javarotti  , welcome to the WDC community, we're thrilled you're here! ** Image ID #2146089 Unavailable ** I'm reviewing this as part of the Mental Health Writers Alliance group because it has a mental health component. I hope you find these comments useful. I hope you'll join us if you haven't already found us!
Now, on to your review! My Impression This poem is BEAUTIFUL and immediately made me think of my 11 year old daughter who suffers with early-onset schizophrenia, among other things. It really made me think of the psychosis that she comes in and out of regularly and the hallucinations she suffers from daily as well as the severe depression and desire to die that comes along with it. There's a cycle that causes real psychological pain. The pain in this is raw and real, but perfectly balanced by a bittersweet hope, and an almost desperate reaching out for help. Wow! Just WOW! Tips & Tricks All of us are interested in learning and improving so I offer these suggestions for you to consider when making changes. As the author of this piece, it's up to you what you use and what you don't. I do not know if there's a rhyming scheme or other devices within those so keep those in mind when considering this review.  Wordiness: I found there to be some slight wordiness in this in the word choices. I realize this is a free verse poem but it's still important to be concise so you can maintain the emotional resonance of the poem. With some tweaks, I really believe this could be publishable with some slight tweaks!You have a lot of prepositions, conjunctions, and little filler words and repetition in this. I'd look at ways to tighten the lines down and make them more concrete and visceral. It almost feels timid and diminishes the impact. Here's an example: in the darkness of my mind I can feel my soul break. Removing 'can' brings more immediacy to the statement and puts emphasis on the feeling in the line (feel my soul break). You use it later as well, I recommend trying the sentence without it to see if it's better with it and eliminate where appropriate. Adverbs: Try as best as you can to avoid these. They're words that should signal to you a need to do more work in the revision phase. It's FINE if you're using them in the initial draft, but then it's important to find them and replace them. You only use one - slowly - but it detracts from your opening sentence.Here's your sentence revised: My reality fades away Avoid 'That': Stephen King says 99% of the usages of that are unnecessary and I agree with him. You use it twice, once in line 3 & 4. There's not much place for this word in poetry. Maybe: This is a particularly weak word for this piece and denotes uncertainty all around. I would look at that to see if it's stronger without so much usage of it. Have confidence in your words, let them shine your message through. It's okay to take a stance here and be firm with it. Perhaps is another good word for maybe that's more contemplative and less wishy-washy. Finally, I love the last two lines of this. It sums it up so well! I would consider whether changing "might" to "would" as a possibly stronger word there?I've given this a 4.5 rating for superb content, message, and great execution. It's clear to me immediately you're a talented poet with a lot of potential. None of the above will prevent general readers from loving this poem. It was only through careful analysis and multiple readings did I identify these issues. If I can help, clarify, or offer any support, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm happy to help! Write on, friend! Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!  Join us on Discord for real-time chats!: https://discordapp.com/invite/Wa8sgg8 P.S. Are you looking for something to review? I hope you'll stop by my portfolio showcase. I'm sure you'll find something to interest you!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 02/03/2019 @ 6:49pm EST