Hi, Monochrome In response to your review request.


Overall Impression

You have a good idea. There was a beginning and an end. I think you have interesting way of telling a story. I continued to read to the end. The shortness of the story made it manageable.

Setting:

I would like to know a little more of the setting. Where does this take place? In the USA or another country? What are the circumstances surrounding Pisces in her new job? You plop her into a library setting for no reason other than to introduce the boy again.
Later you introduce a new guy in another team. Here was an opportunity to add setting by having her friend offer to take her upstairs to see him. They may start in the elevator but she gets called back to the office.

Plot:
The beginning is a good introduction but a bit too long. It isn't necessary to tell the whole story from the past to the present. What if you start with the library scene. The man is reading the book but she can't see his face. The sight of the book brought the memory of the boy to her mind.
The story can move to the hint of the new guy and then hinting at a possible recognition from a distance but she throws that off. Then the ending you chose.


Characters:
You need to build Pisces character by showing her with a memory and then how does she feel about the memory? when she thinks she recognizes the figure of the man, what does it make her feel?
Life goes on and we put the feeling of our childhood away. Does she do that?

Suggestions:

A little clean up. Watch the use of WAS, WERE and THE. Also words that end in LY. There are words that take up word count like ALWAYS or MY OWN. They can be deleted or the sentence needs to be reworked.
Don't tell the reader how your character missed him and cared about him. SHOW it throughout the story because telling the reader is just words. Also she hadn't heard him speak in 8 years. A boy's voice changes. It doesn't seem real that she'd recognize his adult voice.

I was peeking through the door for quite a while now, but there was actually someone behind me. Anyhow, I turned to see him. I was petrified.
He looked exactly like someone I knew. Someone I missed. Someone I cared. Someone I loved.

Here is a suggestion: I stood at the door looking for the man I'd seen earlier. No one sat in the chair.
"It's open," a voice spoke from behind me.
I turned staring at a man that I'd seen in the hallway earlier. My eyes searched his face recognizing features, then like an explosion it hit me.
"Michael?"
The man frowned at me. "How do you know my name?"
I swallowed trying to wet my dry throat. I continued to stare at this man I'd know so intimately known as a young girl.
I moved as if my body belonged to someone else. My arms wrapped around him and I hugged him. I felt his body stiffen and his arms break my hold.
He pushed them back to my side and stepped away from me. "I'm sorry I don't know who you are."
I looked at his face as I knew it and he'd answered to his name. "You're Michael (?)(add last name)" I pressed my finger to my chest. "It's me, Pisces." I waited for the moment of recognition.
His brows creased deeper. "I don't know anyone named Pisces. I'm sorry, you must think I'm someone else."
Now I felt confused. Had I really hugged someone I didn't know? I felt a connection, it had to be my Michael. I pressed him. "Did you go to a pier when you were fifteen and look at the stars?"
His expression changed to confusion and he shook his head.
My eyes filled with tears, I wanted him to remember. "We biked there and named the constellations."
He shook his head, now he looked at me with sadness and pity.
He started to move away and I grabbed at one last straw. "Wait, what's your favorite star?
There was a break in his stride then he turned to face me, "Sirius."

Do you see the difference? there is emotion, feeling and reaction. Try writing, stretching the story to include this type of writing.


In conclusion:

You left me wanting to know what happened. My mind went to the boy was a lost twin or he'd been in an accident. I like that you didn't tie the ends up. I was mad that you didn't.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .