Hi Smidge! I like your nasty little vignette, very scary imagery and really original concept.

It's hard to fit a story into 300 words or less, I think you did an excellent job of putting your reader in that bathroom with Lara so simply. You even managed to cram a gratifying ending in there, well done!

If you're interested in constructive feedback I've got a few ideas. If you don't agree or feel like what I have to say is helpful, feel free to take it all and chuck it in the bin. It's your world, we just get to read it...

So your imagery is good, but you could incorporate emotion into it by using some stronger verbiage. For instance, in the first sentence, "Lara looked at herself in the school bathroom's mirror, her hands glued to the sink."

She's obviously either scared, angry at herself for what she's done, or both. You can show that with something like: "Lara glared at herself in the school's bathroom mirror, her hands clutching the sink." -or-
"Lara watched herself sob in the school's bathroom mirror, her hands trembling on the sink."

You get the idea, you can replace a word or two here and there to punctuate that mood without adding to your word count. Don't be afraid to get flowery, showing is always better than telling when it comes to horror. (In my humble opinion, this may not be your style at all. If not, like I said, chuck it...)

When you visualize what's happening in that room, make sure to try to show us what you're seeing. What does it look like when she plunges into the mirror? Describe her sensory overload as she's hovering over herself. I know it's a challenge to do that within 300 words, but with focus you can totally do it.

Trim up some of the sentences and you'll free up more words for this. For example:

"She held her hands up in front of the mirror and blood dripped down from her finger nails and drained down into the sink, leaving a dark red streak" added up to 29 words. You could trim it to something like:

"She hung her hands before the mirror. Blood cascaded from her fingers to the sink, streaking it dark red" adds up to 19. Not a huge difference, but you can definitely capitalize on those extra words.

I'm not an English teacher, so I'm not a huge grammar nazi. It makes me feel like a hypocrite, I make too many of my own grammar mistakes to be qualified to point out others'. I let my laptop check my grammar and spelling .

So that's my two cents. I really, really liked your premise. I like the setting, I like Lara even with the little bit you gave us about her. I found myself feeling sorry for her- that's great skill to be able to put a character in one room and with that alone elicit an emotional connection to your reader. Great job!

Thanks for the good read, keep on writing!

-TPB


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .