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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4492274
Review #4492274
Viewing a review of:
 
Alley - Because of You  [18+]
A widow on the run meets the charismatic and puzzling Dex Lockard.
by Linn Browning
         Review for entry/chapter: "1993 - Chapter One
Review by Sumojo
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, Linn Browning

Thank you for sharing your story. "Alley - Because of YouI hope you find my comments helpful


These comments are just one person’s opinion and are given in the hope you find something useful





*StarfishB*First Impressions
I began to read chapter one and was immediately hooked from the first few lines. I wanted to know what had happened to this person who was so obviously distressed, and to such an extent she wanted to run away, both physically and mentally.




*StarfishB*Plot
Having only read the first chapter it’s hard to know where the plot is heading, but so far it is a good read with the potential for an interesting, maybe gripping story.




*StarfishB* Characters
It seems as if your main character is keeping the name Lara gave to her. It seems to suit her. Even after six months she hasn’t let anyone into her world of pain, one wonders why.
There is little in the way of description and even her age is not clear.
There are lines I particularly liked, “nothing was right, so nothing felt wrong”and also “Are you in trouble? If I am it’s mine”
Chapter one’s scene is set in the bar of the Road House. The dialogue between all the characters sounds real and believable. I felt as if I was a fly on the wall watching the interactions.

*StarfishB*Climax
The ending to chapter one was good, I was left wanting to read more. it set up a feeling of tension between Dex and Abbey and the reader knows there is so much more to come. What happened to her husband? Why does Lara dislike Dex so much?


*StarfishB*Suggestions
Some of the lines are too spaced, it’s as if you are starting a new paragraph each time you leave a double space. Regarding Abbey’s age you wrote two lines giving an estimate, both sentences very similar.
She was older than I was, but not by too terribly much, maybe late 40’s This sentence would read better by omitting the words “too terribly”
He was older than me, but not by an unreasonable amount. Late 30’s I would decide which of these sentences to keep.





*StarfishB*Parting Comments
Thank you for sharing chapter one, I’m looking forward to reading more and commenting on them if that is what you’d like.




Reviewed by Sumojo

Frog in a Hanging Basket

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/04/2019 @ 5:56pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4492274