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Given: Jul 27, 2019 at 7:40pm
Length: 1,488 Characters |
1,385 w/o WritingML
Hi Carly! I am happy to review your piece in "I Write 2019!" I saw this contest as well. Those photos are evocative!
I enjoyed your insightful response to the prompt. You capture the dichotomy brilliantly and using the shoes as metaphor for life is awesome. Wow!
I entered into your vision with ease as I could identify with the commentary you make. The chosen words and ideas created a potent picture. The only thing I might tweak is the punctuation. I see you used some periods to great advantage and yet I think it would be more powerful a read if you put them in other places where you have complete thoughts so we can pause and take it in.
eg. One that really struck me as needed was after "shine". It took me out of the read trying to follow with "the Public." I think consistency is key. Just my thought.
I wonder if there is another strong action word for "leave" where you say "It will leave you... as you use the word "leaving" in the next line. Rather than repeat that idea, what else could the world do to you as it turns its back. smirk? glare? something?
The dark tone really came through in the pessimistic parts and I like the encouragement at the end! A warning and yet a call to keep going and be prepared. Cool!
Thanks for sharing this vivid vision and how your muse listened to those shoes! Wonderful craft!