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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4507237
Review #4507237
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Review by Tobber
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Hi, Chy. Next review is fresh out of the press.

"In Fairuza's time, just like now, I drew what I'd learned of the real world from the dreams I saw and visited while I slept." - But s/he's just said they don't really sleep, so how can s/he be dreaming? I think that maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say here.

"The world turned out to be far more difficult to interpret; the monsters were rarely full of sharp edges and horrific roars and the heroes wore their beauty on the inside." - This beautiful and well written, but it also threw me out of the story a little. So far Ty has seemed somewhat passive and docile (which doesn't make him/her any less interesting), and as far as we know s/he hasn't been outside the center or had any confrontations here, so his/her interpretation of people being heroes and monsters comes out of the blue.

"vampires have nightmares about the sun, and sometimes humans have the same nightmares." - Why would humans have nightmares about the sun?

"setting in a sky just as read." - Minor detail. "read" should be "red".

"Mahketa's the only one who bothers to know at all." - I think this was meant to be "to let me know at all".

"There's nothing else I can tell her about that, so I shrug." - I love this casual, laid back manner Ty has regarding the whole thing. It reminds me of Shadow Moon from Neil Gaiman's American Gods. Only the events of the story only happens becaues of Ty, making him/her a more interesting character despite not being very active and emotional. Also, it mixes well with brief lines of inner monologue we do get from him/her that shows their emotions, showing that s/he isn't a flat character just a very calm one. It's a nice change, actually, from talkative, outgoing, active protagonists which can be difficult to relate if your not that kind of person yourself (which I'm not).

"The interest in her expression encourages me to go on, so I tell her about the windows that seem to hold back a sky of blood." - Ah, I was wondering about that. It wasn't clear to me at all that the window was a daydream. I really like that things aren't overexplained but here, as in the first chapter, I think there is a lack of clarity that creates some confusion, for me at least.

"I've been meaning to tell you something, about why we're so interested in your past." - Uh, another mystery, and a mini cliffhanger. I like how many mysteries you manage to raise in so few and brief chapters, even if I expect this one to be answered pretty quickly. They work really well in hooking readers or at least me (though, based on how something like Harry Potter works, I'd say readers in general *Smile*).

"“I founded this center in the early 1900's, though it was just me and a couple of acolytes.” Her smile has a touch of self-deprecation in it. “Assistants, I suppose I should call them. We were trying to get a hold of something the Smithsonian had." - Nice. I like how the mystery is expanding, and this some nice details to the world-building too.

"“He woke up and killed the worker to regain his life,” I guess, horrified and fascinated." - This is great. Both that Ty guesses her theory, making him/her seem relatively smart, and also the added mystery and possibility for future conflict. Just as the story was beginning to seem a little slow, you pull something like this off and bumps up the tension. This is really excellent.

"The emotions well up inside me, threatening to overwhelm. I only know one way to deal with them. “Can we get started again? Now?”
Her face breaks into a grin. “Yes, let's go.”"
- Two things here, a positive and negative. Negative first. "The emotions well up inside me, threatening to overwhelm." seems like a flat way of describing how s/he feels, very "telling". If we could get a more vivid description, I think it would do a lot to make Ty feel like a real character. On the other hand, I think it's a nice touch that Mahketa has a positive reaction towards him/her, ending the chapter on a positive note and creating a sense of progress in an otherwise slow chapter, as it could be the start of a better relationship between the two. In my opinion, it would be a pretty strong ending for the chapter, and since the final paragrpah doesn't really do much, I would suggest cutting it.


Overall
Again, I don't have much to add here. The chapter was, like the previous one, very strong. After 2½ slow chapters, it felt like the story needed something to take it up a notch, but you deliver that at the end of the chapter, so don't really have anything to complain about. Other than that, it's just vivid descriptions, and interesting world, and strong characters and only minor editorial errors.


No disclaimer here, because you're a WYRM and knows that it took time and effort to provide this feedback and that it's only meant as a help to improve your writing.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/03/2019 @ 3:18pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4507237