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 Review #4507768 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  Good morning, bluecarrisole, and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put a little of yourself into your bio sections. You will receive much more tailored reviews if your reviewer knows a little about your background and experience level. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already.  This is as dark as it gets. A knife wouldn't cut the tension here; you'd need a power saw. This ticks all the boxes, a compelling story that draws the reader along with a mystery that grows line by line until he can't bear to not read the next one. Wonderful work.CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will kill any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Here we have two classic characters, a couple who has fallen out of love, or more specifically, one-half of which has fallen out of love. There's always one who wants to stay when the other wants to go, and therein lies the source of all the pain. Their dialogue forces us to consider whether gratitude or obligation for past actions is a consideration in whether to remain in a relationship. These characters are compelling on the surface, and make the reader think at a deeper level as well, stellar qualities in any character.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? The living room of the home they've shared, presumably the scene of so much joy and pleasure, plays perfect counterpoint to their penultimate confrontation. Perfect choice.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that.  I didn't find anything major that damages the story, but there were a lot of little points that I'm going to list for your consideration. Some you may have intended, some you may not agree with, but here they are.1. LOOK. AT. ME. This seems like something most women in my experience would scream all as one word: LOOKATME! She isn't emphasizing a point here, she's demanding his attention. 2. ...straining to hold back tears "don't call me Perr" This has no grammatical logic. I would suggest "...straining to hold back tears. "Don't call me Perr." 3. ...promising you're not leaving after, all, we've been through" her wrist flung around as she spoke, his eyes followed her every movement scared of the piece in her hand. Multiple issues. Remove commas from "after all we've been through." Period after "through. Her wrist..." Finally, if you're going with a comma after "as she spoke," then the rest should read "his eyes following her every movement." 4. "I SAID DON'T CALL ME PERR!" She screamed. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to be concerned!" "Does this scare you, James, huh?" Perry taunted. These two paragraphs are one speaker following a continuous line of thought. They should be combined into one. 5. I question your use of ALL CAPS to signify shouting. I don't know of any Holy Edit that says you can't do that, but it feels very comic book. The rules for email etiquette aren't the same as that for writing grammar. I suggest using speech tags and exclamation points to denote shouts. 6. ... Think James." This needs a comma. Without one, she's directing him to think the way the Chamber of Commerce tells you to "Think Florida for your next vacation!" 7. "Think long and hard about what you're doing because she doesn't love you!" Comma after "doing." Otherwise the discussion is about the things he's doing due to the fact that she doesn't love him. 8. the vain on her neck is actually a vein. 9. ...still smell how it stunk." Perry sneered "There was an empty bottle... Should be "smell how it stunk," Perry sneered. 10. ...your breathing was so, shallow. No comma after "so." 11. You introduce the gun as a "six-shooter," which implies a revolver. Later you call it a nine-millimeter. There are nine-millimeter revolvers, but they are uncommon and unpopular. For the sake of not tugging on the gun-fanciers among your audience, I'd recommend changing the caliber to a common revolver bore, .38, .44, or .45, probably .38, given that it didn't blow the back of his head all over the wall. SUMMARY: This would probably be a good time to remind you that I am not an authority on anything in particular, and all of the foregoing is nothing but my own opinions with all their flaws and baggage. I've listed it all for you to consider, but it's your name at the top, and what you think is right is what should be in the story. I'm going with four stars because every one of those points I listed was a tug on my immersion, but the underlying story and its players were strong enough to overcome them and keep me reading. This is quite a decent product, and highlights your major skills as a storyteller.I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  Jack Want to read more about my style and opinions? Become a regular at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 12/16/2019 @ 11:55am EST