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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4523644
Review #4523644
Viewing a review of:
 Love...Unheard,Unseen  [E]
Sumeer's desperate attempt to get his love back.
by bas
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, I am reading your work as part of I Write in 2020, and offer here my comments and suggestions for your consideration.

Thoughts and comments: The title is ominous, makes me look more closely at the image, wondering. Also an intriguing opening. We do not see the speaker, but know he's there by reference to the moon being "exactly where it was supposed to be,..." I am now in the picture, ready to focus on the forthcoming quoted introduction to the story.

I have but a few comments for your consideration:
Consider the following change, more active/commanding -> "...Only if you agree to these terms, then take the talisman..."

Consider also, as Sumeer was holding the talisman in his hand when we first saw him, show how it came to be on the ground - i.e., that he placed it, or set it, on the ground as opposed to "Sumeer kept the talisman on the ground..."

Finally, a minor typo, an extra space before the comma "You will never be able to see her ,"

After reading this blurb, imaginative and creative, I do wish to turn the page and start reading the story*Reading*. Best of luck in the contest.*Smile*

Write On *Pencil*
Kate ~ Reading & Writing
Kate's Reads










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