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 Review #4795396 |
| Hi, Satuawany  ! Overall Thoughts First impressions and general/developmental feedback. Hello, I'm back for another story! I've read ahead a story or two in this collection and am having a blast so far seeing shared elements and themes. As much as I enjoyed this one, I'm also really enjoying drawing connections between them. This story was a fascinating read, but at the end, I found myself wishing it were longer, because I wanted to see a bit more of one or two things. — Character/Plot/Pacing: I loved the dynamic between this story's two characters! I love that they're nameless but distinct. I think you did a really good job of sketching them in such a small space, and I had a blast reading their story. I bought them as people, 100%, without reservation. The tiny blips I experienced came with the relationship dynamic. The extremely prominent fascination the god had with the interrogator didn't quite land for me. I didn't quite believe in it, so at times (for example: "the fire in his eyes ignites dormant hallways in my heart") it felt like too much and made me wish I had a bit more insight into the god's head and why the interrogator was so appealing. I also experienced a small blip where I couldn't believe in the interrogator's assertion that he'd "sell [his] soul". It was a delightful callback to the song's title, but it didn't feel true (yet!) for the interrogator. I think in order for it to be believable, I'd need to have a bit more insight into why this all matters for him so much that he'd sell his soul. — Description/Style: At the start, the dearth of description in the opening left me unsure of the situation and whether the POV character had crafted the imagery. Because that becomes a question later on, I can see exactly why you did it, but it did mean that it was slightly harder to feel immersed in the story.  Digging a little deeper:Line comments—sentence-level and scene-level feedback.  The bars won't hold me, but that doesn't matter — Naturally, I'm intrigued by this line!he's a scientist, a lawyer, judge an jury — judge and jury?His flickering light source — Might not be a bad idea to add a smidge more specificity here. "his light source" sounds like the interrogator himself is letting off light. If that's the case, a description might be useful to help readers visualize it. If it's not and he's carrying a candle, lantern, or high-tech sci-fi style light, I think the opening is a good place to establish a bit of the world. Given what follows, it could be cool to contrast the light source against the medieval dungeon imagery. (As things went on, it began to seem like you purposefully left this vague, but because it was an impediment to immersion, I'm leaving this comment as-is.)When they open, the lids droop with mock calmness. “Let me have my stylus and tablet — I love their dynamic! What fascinating interactions. I like them already.The stones walls — stone walls?I hate it. He should be timeless, like me. —  I'm intrigued.The diagram adds even more lines to his face. — The narrative is vague enough that I'm not sure if this is literal or figurative. Is displaying the diagram somehow aging him, or is its light merely highlighting the wrinkles that already exist? On a narrative level, the introduction of sudden aging is a bit jarring. Shouldn't the sudden aging be something the MC notices right away? Perhaps because of that, the introduction of this element felt a bit glitchy.This is my prison; wanting him to keep coming while hating the way my proximity affects him. — Ohhhhh so proximity to whatever the main character is causes humans to age rapidly? I love that this kind of carries over from the first story: the idea of someone who wants to be near another but harms them with their presence, and of constructed realities for another person's comfort.I have seen the whole of existence—and that is a more expansive thing than even I can comprehend—and I chose to forget it before I went mad. — I love a Tired Immortal.  That was a month ago, seconds ago, millennia ago, at the beginning of time and at its end. —  Gorgeous.“I'd sell my soul.” — I like that this plays on the potential double meaning of the title, which could be read out loud as some sort of contraction of "it's old" or "so old" but would also sound like "sold." In that way, it does feel like the title of the song is the cage in which this story lives, defining its parameters. In part because of that, it feels ever so slightly incomplete, like the skeleton for a much larger story. I can't quite believe that he'd sell his soul, given what I've seen so far. Maybe with a bit more insight into what drives the interrogator, this line would land better...?Prisons within prisons. I may have his soul, but we're not leaving here until I have his heart. — A strong line to end on! I find myself wishing the story were a bit longer so I could have a better sense of what drew the main character to the interrogator and this single thread in the tapestry of reality. I'm glad I got this time with them, though! Summary Thoughts and Suggestions:Overall, a super-interesting story with characters I enjoyed reading about. This one didn't feel quite whole/complete, owing to a few blips in relationship dynamics and motivations for me, but it was still an enjoyable read. Write On!  This review is being sent for the amazing speculative fiction critique group "WYRM" and in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/19/2025 @ 12:39am EST