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Review #4806723
Viewing a review of:
 My story  Open in new Window. [E]
this story is about my life.
by Gracie Author Icon
Review of My story  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Gracie,

Whew! I'm breathless after that!

I got this much: you've had one hell of a life so far— although more recently, it seems to be heavenly. First I want to point out what you did right here, then I'll talk about a couple ways you might be able to improve your writing style.

Your biographical piece here has the right elements of a story or essay: intro, conflict, resolution. You were born with several siblings; you and your siblings were separated under confusing circumstances; and you found God, which has brought you peace. You have put the pieces in the right order, as well, so you're almost there. "What do you mean, 'almost,' Mister?!"

Well, you have the theme and sequencing, but the organization and pacing need some work.

~ Periods/Full Stops. Take a breath. Think your thought--just one. If you were saying it to someone, when would you stop for about two to three seconds to take a breath and start s new thought? That's where a period goes. They enable the reader to parse your ideas and statements as he it she reads, and they are indispensable. Without them, the reader feels winded and fatigued. Here's an example:

I am the third 4th oldest of 4 brothers, 2 half and 2 biological-- well one being my twin. When I was born, me and my twin brother got separated, because my mom's best friend couldn't...

The period here ends the thought of your birth, and the thought of your separation behind in the next sentence.

~ Line Breaks/Paragraphs. Once you've converted a collection of similar thoughts, hit ENTER a couple times. It provides a visual line break that cuts me, the reader, that you're done with that part; I can take a second and interpret it before moving on to your next set of ideas. Like periods, paragraphs are absolutely necessary in writing.

~ Slow Down. Take a breath before you write a line, every time. Hold it a couple seconds, and let it out. Write your thought. Repeat the process. Why? I can tell that your thoughts were racing when you wrote this. Your sentences veritably sprint across the page. Take some breaths, take your time. Tell me clearly so you don't have to tell me again, and I don't misunderstand.

There's other stuff to work on, but that can come later. You have an important story to share here, Gracie. I encourage you to take another look at this and see what you can do to tighten it up.

--Jeffrey



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