%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4806939 |
 | Missing Pieces  [E] contest entry for dialog 500  |
| (4.5)| This is a review brought to you by: . "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ,  "WDC Dragon Vale " ,  "Invalid Item" , and  The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing!  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   Opening Line/ Hook:The opening scene did make me want to read more. I wanted to know why was this girl being followed and who was the guy following her.  Plot: Hook Someone is following a girl who was walking on a sidewalk and trying to have a conversation with her from his car, his window wound down. Inciting Incident The main was driving along the road and sees a little girl walking by the roadside and starts to have a conversation with her. First Plot Point The little girl did not trust the man at first, but somehow was persuaded when the man offered food in an open place. She was probably hungry. First Pinch Point The girl got into the car. Mid-Point The girl and the man was having a conversation in Castle Burger. Second Pinch Point The girl opened up. She shared about her runaway mother and abusive stepfather. Third Plot Point The waitress comes over and takes their order. The man, in order not to be accused of a kidnapper or a pervert of a child he had just met, pretended to be his father. And the girl played along and called him dad. Climax The man realised the girl needed a reliable parent and that he (and his wife) was looking to adopt. Denouement The man invited the girl to his home to meet his wife. Where was Point A of the Story? A man tried to talk to a girl walking on a sidewalk from his car. Where was Point B of the Story? The man saw the girl as his potential adopted daughter. What was the Character's Primary Goal? The ensure that the little girl is safe. Did the character transform at the end of the story? The Main Character realised that he was looking at a little girl. What was the External Conflict? (The A Story) The Main Character wanted to be a father, but he was unable to be one under natural circumstancs. So, he was looking to adopt. What was the Internal Conflict? (The B Story) The Main Character was concerned about the safety of children and he's already subconsciously fathering the children out there before becoming an actual father. There has to be a strong longing in him for him to be this way. What was the lesson the character learnt in the story? The Main Character learnt that a door opened for him possibly to adopt this little girl.  POV: Third Person. The Main Character is the man, but the story is told in a dialogue. Theme: Adoption, Parenthood, Family, Foster Care, Children Conflict: 1. Man. Vs. Man The Main Character had a conflict with the little girl. He did appear creepy when he talked to a little girl by the roadside. The girl was ready to defend herself. 5. Man Vs. Society The girl has problems with the childcare system and is rebelling by running away from home. The system did not protect her from her abusive father and allowed her mother to run away from home and freeing her responsibility from caring for her. 6. Man Vs. Self The Main Character had a deep longing to become a father. His frustration was transformed into love. He cared for children like the little girl out there and kept on a lookout for them. 7. Man Vs. Destiny The Man may be destined to adopt this little girl, but he'll have to see what his wife thinks.  Dramatic Tension/ Suspense:There is suspense in the story. At first, I did wonder myself if the man was up to no good and was going to kidnap the child. I'm kind of glad that he is not. Then, when the man revealed to be fatherless, I read on to see if they realised they were a good fit for each other.  Characterisation:The characters are believable. I like the little girl to be defensive and slightly ferocious. I thought she got into the car too easily. From her own defensive nature, maybe she should have walked, but I get the word limit and that this is all dialogue. I was alarmed myself when she got into the car. The Man is consistently kind and pretty chill to the kid. He was obviously drawn to the girl somehow.  Dialogue:Dialogues are believable. As for dad, I like that he wanted to deny her as his child, but realised questions would be asked as to why he is out with a kid he doesn't know at midnight so role-played a conversation with the kid who responded by calling him dad. I actually thought the little girl stood out more than the dad in terms of character. I still can't help thinking he is a creep somehow.   Setting: Since this is a dialogue, there's no setting description besides the mention of a donut shop that also sells hot chocolate; and Castle Burger.  Timeline:The story is told in a linear format.  Show Vs. Tell: The dialogue did truly show the emotions of the two characters. That's done well. Pacing: The story was fast paced especially since it captured a very short time, probably half an hour or so.  Emotions:Both characters conveyed their emotions well. The kind Main Character who is fatherly and the defiant little girl. ToneI would say serendipity. It feels like the story captured the moment the man and the child were fated to meet.  Style:I like your style of writing. The dialogues were well-written.  Title Choice: Title is suitable. Both the man and the child are the missing pieces they needed in their life. They needed each other.  Cohesiveness/ Continuity/ Flow: The story flows well.  Grammar/ Typo:None spotted.  Formatting: It would be great if you could use a bigger font size to increase readability. Otherwise, spacing and paragraphing all good.  Big Picture: I like the story overall. It's a quick read. The characters were believable. And I also appreciate how difficult it is to write a 500-word dialogue and the amount of editing you have gone through to shave off the words to what it is now. Despite that, the story has not lost its essence, the emotions were still intact. So, I'd say this is well done. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep writing! Side note TMI rambling ▼ The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!  Elycia Lee ☮ Monday   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 03/22/2025 @ 1:06pm EDT