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 Review #4807290 |
 |  | Oct 5 2024 Protagonist Background Story  [ASR] Longfellow is left at the altar, and he sees a face from his past.  |
| (4.0)    Hi Rojodi, This is a Writing.Com account anniversary review. Congrats . . . "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Story summary Longfellow Darke is to be married shortly, but at the present time he unfolds the piece of paper his bride's sister had handed to him. He had never seen a Dear John letter, but he was looking at one now. The hurt stabbed him, clutched at his heart repeatedly and throbbed through his temples. But in the end, despite his hurt, he would survive. He wanted to wad up the note and toss it, but he stared àt the words . . . I do love you, but I am not in love with you. He stood up, and called out to his friends, "Let's go get some food, I'm starving." That was when he saw her . . . the other woman, she was still beautiful. As he walked to the limo on the way to get drunk, he looked back, she was gone. How had she known to come? Comments It's a fine story, told in an original manner. It shows the pain a man might feel when, at his wedding, he is handed a Dear John letter. and it shows the strength a man must have to expel this hurt from his heart. Good writing . . . Suggested edits In the next to last paragraph, I noticed a sentence. The sentence, by using the word (was), establishes the past tense of the sentence. Longfellow looked back to find the familiar face, but she was gone, the church’s door slowly closing told him that she left. He had no time to dwell on her, his groomsmen came and took him to the waiting limo. To keep the tense consistent, you need to add (had) in the final clause of the first sentence. . . . the church's door slowly closing told him she had left. In the fourth paragraph the sentence below needs a comma. Pre-wedding superstitions he was told. Pre-wedding superstitions comma he was told. In the third paragraph, I noticed a sentence is not a complete sentence. Also, the comma after (brownstone) should not be there, and the word (into) should be deleted. I have written the sentence directly after this sentence. No whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone, where Melissa had moved into a year before since it was closer to her job at Oldham and Newbury Attorneys, LLC. There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone delete comma where Melissa had moved delete into the year before since it was closer . . . Sentence after addition and deletions There were no whispers from the ghosts that inhabited the brownstone where Melissa had moved the year before since it was closer . . . Final thoughts I enjoyed reading your story Regards, jackson
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You responded to this review 03/22/2025 @ 7:27pm EDT