I thought you did a great job of packing a lot of narrative into a comparatively short piece. I also really liked the introduction to this piece, where you tell the reader at the outset that some of the things you're about to say are true, and some are not. That's a great way to capture the reader's attention!

I thought the pacing and delivery could have been improved a bit. While there's a lot of action that happens in this story, it's all told with a bit of a one-note, detached style that doesn't give the reader a sense of which details are important, when the tension should increase, etc.

I think you have a great foundation for a story here. The basic narrative elements are there, and they just need to be finessed a little to really make the story stand out. Nice work!