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 Review #4814464 |
 | Halloween Meeting- Edited Story  [E] A story of Halloween/Day of the Dead, past and present lives collide together briefly.  |
| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: The idea of summoning Manfred von Richthofen on the Day of the Dead was very creative. The setting, a field by the Somme River, created a strong emotional and symbolic connection to both the historical and supernatural elements. The main character’s fascination with the Red Baron and her family’s link through Evelyn added a touching, personal layer to what would otherwise have seemed more like a morbid obsession. But the two characters connected in a moment that was both tender and surreal, especially when he compared her vibrancy to Evelyn’s.  Suggestions: There were a number of grammatical errors that made the story quite hard to read in places. I’m not going to point out all of them but just mention a few areas you might want to look at:  Sentence Fragments and Run-Ons You need to make sure that each sentence has a subject and verb, and separate or link independent clauses with the correct punctuation. For example here: Bringing with her all the things needed for her summoning attempt. This is a fragment. You could fix it by saying something like, “She brought with her…” And so he does they laugh and they talk. Those are two independent clauses that would work better as two sentences with a period after “does”. Dialogue Punctuation There was very little dialogue in this story, but the two instances of Amelia’s thoughts need a comma between what she was thinking and the dialogue tag: Tonight is my only chance Amelia thinks It's worked. she thinks Capitalization You referred to world war one. The more common and stylistically standard form is "World War I", with capitals and Roman numerals. Similarly, Bray-Corbie road and german should also be capitalised. ClarityThere were a couple of sentences where I didn’t know what you meant, for example this one: Its done with her nerves on edge and heart beating fast the faint tinge of hope rising in her throat. You probably need “It’s” with an apostrophe, meaning “it is”, but beyond that, I couldn’t work out what you were trying to say here.  Final Thoughts: There was a bit of hope at the end, when he had to return but they both looked forward to meeting again in a year’s time. He would never see Evelyn again, but he could spend some time with Amelia which brought back some lovely memories for him. I thought this was a unique and imaginative story, but the grammar issues let it down a bit. With a bit of editing, I think you’d have a very poignant tale.
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