%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4814833 |
 | More Than Words  [18+] Leah returns to University with bad intentions...  |
| (3.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: As I was reading, I had memories of another story which seemed a little along the same lines, and sure enough, when I checked I found it was one of yours which I read a year ago. I will start by saying the same I did then: I’m not the target audience for this tale, so feel free to ignore any comments I make regarding the content. (You can take my technical suggestions to the bank though; they apply to any story regardless of the subject  ) The story started innocently enough with a young woman arriving at university for a second year and, feeling experienced now, she observed the new students and hoped for a good match in her roommate. All of this sounded quite familiar, although here, students tend to only be in university accommodation in the first year; they choose their house mates in the second year. That might well be a cultural difference though - I don’t know where you’re from, although you wrote in British English so you might want to check this point. The focus of the story soon shifted to disturbing themes of manipulation and non-consent. Leah uses her powers to implant false memories to override Nicola’s will, and Nicola is coerced into drinking alcohol and smoking. Despite Leah’s supernatural abilities, it mirrors real-world coercive behaviour, such as emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or drug-assisted influence and raises ethical red flags. As this is not my fetish, I wasn’t sure what the aim of this story was. If it’s non-consent, you nailed it. If it’s smoking and drinking, you might want to take another look at your characters and make them both stronger. I think this would work better if Leah was either an outright villain, or morally aware of what she was doing. Similarly, if Nicola was at least partially aware of what was happening and you showed her internal conflict or the emotional cost to her before she chose to comply, you’d have a more rounded character rather than a puppet manipulated by Leah.  Suggestions: Watch out for tense inconsistency. You started in past tense but then flitted to present tense and back again a few times. For example, in the first paragraph Leah stood up and in the second paragraph She mutters. The punctuation in the dialogue needs a bit of work. If the sentence continues after the speech with a dialogue tag, you need a comma before the closing speech marks, and the dialogue tag needs to begin with a lowercase letter. For example here: "Hell doesn't even cover what I’m bringing this term." She says flatly The full stop should be a comma, and “she” should not be capitalised. You also used some unusual dialogue tags that became quite noticeable after a while. Instead of the characters simply saying or asking something, they declared, defended, muttered, moaned or wondered. “She said” disappears into the story and readers don’t even notice it other than to tell then who said something. Other words tend to become a little jarring. Nicola could notice Leah’s pupils fluctuate, and could a sinking feeling came over her. The sentence didn’t seem correct. “and could feel a sinking feeling coming over her” might have been what you meant, although I would suggest omitting “could” as it weakens the narrative. “and a sinking feeling came over her” would work better (you could apply the same to the first half of the sentence as well: “Nicola noticed…”)  Final Thoughts: From a literary standpoint, the story was engaging and well-paced, with a strong voice and a clear tone of psychological tension. The concept of a character who can implant thoughts and memories is compelling and opens up rich narrative possibilities. That said, the way Leah uses her powers, especially to override Nicola’s consent, raises serious ethical concerns, which could be off-putting if not framed as intentionally dark or villainous. If the goal was to explore control, identity, or moral ambiguity, it definitely succeeds in creating that discomfort.
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