%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4816560 |
 | Vodka Thrills  [E] the funeral  |
| Hello, I'm dropping by your port with a review of this short piece! Initial/Overall thoughts I immediately got a sense of a strong voice and tone in this piece - the first sentence is a great opener, giving you an impression of the cynical, bitter but also humorous attitude of the main character. The piece was less strong later on when you get to the action, but still held my interest with unexpected twists and turns - and I was left wanting more as it unfortunately finished rather abruptly! What I liked: • The portrait and description of the main character was deftly done with some very entertaining touches e.g. "The black hair is courtesy of L'Oreal off isle 2 at my local drugstore." You really get a strong sense of her - I can just picture her rolling up in her pink VW Beetle! • You build up the tension she has with her family really well, so that the reader is expecting there to be some sort of drama/confrontation when she arrives - and then execute a nice bait-and-switch where it turns out the real drama of the day is her mother vs Aunt Tammy! Some criticisms & suggestions • You have a few stray adverbs which the sentences would feel tighter without e.g. "…a single word screamed out loudly and harshly diverted all attention from my tardy arrival." • When the action's happening, try shorter sentences, which can be more effective in keeping it pacey. Your sentences in this section are particularly long. • I was confused by the introduction of the character's brother - maybe try mentioning him before she catches his eye and plunges into action, so the reader isn't playing catch-up! • It would be worth giving this piece a strong edit, as there are fair few grammatical/word choice errors e.g. "to" instead of "too" in the first sentence, "isle" instead of "aisle" Overall, this is a tense, entertaining piece, and I'd love to find out what happens next in this dramatic situation! Keep writing!  citrus My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 05/17/2025 @ 9:39pm EDT