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flyfishercacher

My Review for, "Breakfast with Nessie"
This scene effectively highlights the strained family dynamics and introduces a new layer of complexity with Brodey's unexpected generosity. Here's a breakdown of its strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths:
* Strong Character Contrast: The scene immediately establishes the stark differences between Nessie and Brodey, particularly in their reactions to the previous night's conflict. Nessie's quiet turmoil and Brodey's calculated avoidance are clear.
* Realistic Dialogue: The conversation between Nessie and Torey feels authentic for a mother and teenage son. Torey's frustration and Nessie's attempts to protect him while also trying to explain Brodey's behavior ring true.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of the kitchen – the yellow color scheme, the smell of bacon, the sounds of morning – effectively immerse the reader in the setting.
* Subtle Clues and Mystery: The extra twenty-dollar bill is a great touch, adding intrigue and prompting the reader to wonder about Brodey's motives. Nessie's internal debate about it is well-articulated.
* Emotional Depth: Nessie's tearful eyes and Torey's blunt questions about his father's anger convey the emotional weight of their family situation.
* Forward Momentum: Torey's plan to get a job and go shoe shopping provides clear direction for future scenes and gives him agency.
* Show, Don't Tell: Instead of saying Nessie was "proper," the script describes her disheveled hair as "unusual for her," which is a good example of showing rather than telling.
Areas for Potential Refinement:
* Minor Repetition:
* "Coffee's cold" at the very beginning and then "Nessie sipped her cold coffee" could be slightly condensed or varied. Perhaps just one mention of the cold coffee would suffice, or imply it by her actions.
* The detail about the kitchen's yellow decor is repeated slightly when Torey enters. While it reinforces his comfort, a slight rephrasing or less emphasis on the second mention might be smoother.
* Clarity on "Game Face": "put on her game face. That wasn't going to work this morning." This is effective, but perhaps a slight expansion on why it wouldn't work (beyond just her eyes) could deepen the moment. What specific resolve was she trying to muster that failed?
* Mrs. Bernardo: The mention of Mrs. Bernardo at the beginning feels a little disconnected. While it sets a peaceful morning scene, she doesn't re-appear or play any role. If she's not significant, perhaps a brief mention of a neighbor, or simply focusing on Nessie's internal world, would be more streamlined. If she is significant later, then this intro is good.
* Torey's "Highly Polished Black Church Shoes": This is a key visual, but the description "protruding from under the legs of Torey's jeans" could be slightly more active or visually dynamic. Perhaps Torey is already wearing them, or he makes a point of showing them.
* Nessie's Internal Monologue - "He's right, she thought...": This thought is a good internal beat for Nessie, but it comes after a line where Torey says "I can't do it, Mom!" which implies he's talking about school being hard with the family fighting. Nessie's thought here might be slightly more impactful if it directly follows Torey's statement about needing a job, affirming her agreement with his plan.
* The "Stash" Detail: Torey's line, "It must have taken years to stash twenty bucks – nickels and dimes at a time. I shouldn’t take that money… but I need shoes!" is a strong internal thought, but it's presented as dialogue from Torey. While it shows his perception of his mother's sacrifice, consider if this could be an internal thought for Torey, perhaps implied through his pause or a look, rather than explicitly stated. It might amplify the pathos.
* "Love you too." Nessie's "Love you too" might benefit from a slight descriptor to show her continued emotion after Torey leaves, perhaps "she said, her voice still thick with emotion" or something similar, connecting back to her earlier crying.
Overall Impression:
This is a solid scene that effectively moves the plot forward while deepening our understanding of the characters and their struggles. The tension between poverty, pride, and paternal fear is palpable. The introduction of the extra twenty dollars adds a compelling new element that promises further character development. The core emotional beats are strong, and the dialogue is largely natural. Just a few minor tweaks could elevate it further.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .