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Review #4821237
Viewing a review of:
 Us?! Open in new Window. [E]
This about someone I like whom I can never love.
by Thanatos Author Icon
Review of Us?!  Open in new Window.
Review by Joy's busy ... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, Thanatos,

Welcome to Writing.com!

Here is a review for your "Us?!" Open in new Window..

*Note1* You always have the last say on your work, and you are under no obligation to follow my suggestions.

Comments and Observations:

At first glance, I felt you were exploring the themes of self-perceived unworthiness, contrasting nature, and the sting of unrequited love. I may be wrong of course, but this was my first impression.

On the plus side, your poem is powerful, short, yet with interesting imagery and contrasting metaphors, such as: "forest full of life," a "serenity ever to be loved," and a "star shining in a drifting sky."

Yet, you speak of yourself, or the speaker talks of herself, as being destructive and incapable of love, as I gathered from these phrases: "wildfire that can burn you away," a "chaos never to be loved," or you or the speaker whose "cold arms" can never hold the warmth and light of a star.

Then, by using repeatedly, "For you..." and "For me..." phrasing, you keep the attention on the divide separating the two individuals. This, I think, is a good thing for structure since it creates a lament and a rhythmic flow, while it emphasizes the self-doubt and belief that a relationship is not possible.

Then, as simple as it is, I did like the final line a lot: "And I still do. " This left me with a bittersweet feeling of sadness for the self-imposed limitations on your (or the speaker's) devotion.

What I think may be lacking are the unanswered questions, here. While the self-perception seems to answer to the question why, my mind wonders about why or from where did this self-perception originate. Just maybe, you may choose to address this self-perception in another poem. *Wink* *Smile*

In short, I liked your poem a lot for its images, short and tight structure, and the vulnerability of its speaker.

Best wishes with your work.


Joy sig for Angels-by Kiya




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