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 Review #4824115 |
 | The Portal Door  [13+] A magic door between two completely different worlds.  |
| (4.0)  First Impressions: That was an interesting beginning. It’s easy to see one of the conflicts in this story - Elizabeth and Roman’s parents don’t seem the kind of people who will accept that their son is gay, so you have set this up for a lot of tensions between the family members. Elizabeth at least doesn’t seem to care, and she has the added bonus that she was promised she could hang out with her older brother. I’m guessing that this is where ‘The Portal Door’ will come into it, that magic door between worlds. The story has only just started so there is no way of telling what might be on the other side of it. It could simply be a world without prejudice where the young lovers can be happy, but since you have chosen Action/Adventure as one of the genres, I assume there will be more to it.  Suggestions: Obviously this story isn’t finished. This was the beginning of the first chapter so I assume you will be back to edit it when you write more, and I don’t want to waste your time pointing out all the errors. Just a few suggestions: I liked how you tried to ground the readers in Elizabeth’s morning routine and set the tone, but right now the opening paragraph felt a little too focused on ordinary, everyday details. Since it’s the first paragraph of a novel, it’s usually a good idea to start with something that grabs the reader’s attention, like a hint of conflict, a striking image, or a question that makes the readers curious about Elizabeth’s story. You could still show her waking up, but maybe weave in something unusual, emotional, or intriguing about her situation that hooks the readers right away. Watch out for punctuation in dialogue. When the sentence continues after the speech with a dialogue tag, the speech needs to have a comma rather than a period at the end, and the dialogue tag should start with a lower case letter. For example in this sentence: "Posture Elizabeth." Her mother corrected. You also need a comma after ‘Posture’ to set off the direct address. There were a couple of errors where you missed an apostrophe: Elizabeths mother and Romans friend.  Final Thoughts: This looks like a very ambitious project, and I hope you continue writing it. It would be interesting to see where you are going to go with it. There is the immediate issue with Roman’s boyfriend, and I assume that his parents are going to find out and kick off about it. But even more intriguing is the title of the story and where this portal might be leading, and it sounds like it’s going to be quite an involved story.
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