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 Review #4833028 |
Overnight Snack  [E] Quills Nominee and Finalist 2023 The Writer's Cramp 7/19/23 W/C 833  |
| (4.0)  "Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com! That was a cute children’s story. It became clear pretty quickly who the narrator was - at first, I thought it was the cat’s owner who tried to sneak around without the cat hearing, but you cleared that up pretty quickly. The fact that this was narrated by a clever little mouse made the narrative quite funny. He seemed quite resourceful at first, but the first part of the plan went wrong when the cat heard his alarm go off in the middle of the night, and the conversation that followed made me chuckle. They had a bit of a Tom and Jerry relationship - not exactly friendly, but they didn’t hate each other either, and when they found a common goal, to get the cookies without the dog getting in their way, they teamed up. The cat, of course, couldn’t be trusted and changed allegiances, which resulted in both him and the dog getting thrown out of the house, and the mouse got to enjoy the cookie. So it all worked out for the mouse in the end! I spotted a few errors as I was reading. The most noticeable one was that you switched tense throughout the story. You started in present tense (My alarm is set) but then changed to past tense (A paw tried to enter) a couple of paragraphs later. There are a few verbs that are in the wrong tense (whichever one you choose to go with). Are you brave enough little mousey? There should be a comma after “enough” to set off the direct address. My other ear needs covered. That didn’t read quite right. “needs to be covered” or “needs covering”, maybe? There hadn’t been cookies forgotten for days. I think I know what you were trying to say here, but the sentence was a little awkward. Maybe it would work to simply change the word order to “forgotten cookies” to make it a little clearer. My favourite part was the argument about the slipper, and I could imagine the cat wearing it on his ear just to annoy the mouse. I felt like the dog deserved a name, even though he only had a small part in the story. If nothing else, it would make it easier to refer to him - “barking dog thing” became a little repetitive after a while. The ending was satisfying as the readers took an immediate dislike to both cat and dog, and the narrator won, even if it was more by luck than judgement. I enjoyed the read!
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