Hello, Isabella ,

Here is a review for your "Forever Gone" .

Comments and Observations:

You have a haunting story here with themes of grief, denial, and memory.

On the plus side, you stuck with an atmosphere of unease. The girlfriend’s routine and how it subtly shifts--no music, longer shower time--builds tension well. The twist where the narrator says she has been dead for over a year is absolutely chilling. It changed everything I had read up to that point.

In the same vein, you captured with the ending, the disorientation, grief, and despair of the main character. His inability to separate reality from hallucination is quite moving in itself.

Yet, if I may suggest, you might consider to inject some clarity
to this story's timeline. The story moves from present events to the reveal quickly that she has been dead for a year. Just that foreshadowing this earlier, very subtly, may help. For example, maybe neighbors told him they never see her anymore, or maybe he notices the bed is always cold.

In addition, the tone and the writing switches between and dramatic in an abrupt way. I think this lessens the tension. For example: “Luckily for me though, I learned how to break locks back in middle school” feels too lighthearted for such a grim moment. Consider tightening your storytelling so you don't lose the steady, haunting tone.

Then, possibly, instead of saying “All of this wasn’t real. She is gone” you could let the images speak: For example, an empty bed, a silent apartment, the faint smell of old soap where she used to be. This would deepen the emotional impact.

Furthermore, to keep the haunting mood of your story, the ending could be stronger with something like: The bed is cold, the mirror shows only me, and the silence presses in. I reach out for her anyway, knowing my hand will touch nothing. She is gone. She has been gone. And still...I can’t stop coming home to her.

For all that, this is a good, clever story, but in my opinion, it needs a bit of TLC, also.

Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

A few things I picked up:

I Came home from work > I came home from work

“How i woke up” > “how I woke up”

“Bills were higher this month” could be rephrased to sound more natural: “She never stayed in long, especially with bills higher this month.”


Best wishes with your work.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .