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 Review #4834222 |
 | The Riddle of Life  [E] Luka races to save his newborn as mysterious dreams and a magical shrine guide him.  |
| (3.0)| Hi! Welcome to WdC! First Impression This is an engaging story, and I see the emotional depth and a mystical aura you are going for with the interplay between dreams, riddles, and reality. Title and Description The title will pique the reader's interest and the description works well to draw them in. Hook and Plot The opening sequence immediately sets a good tone, and the riddle helps deepen the mystery. The baby’s life-and-death struggle could be powerful, but it felt like the resolution was too quick. A little more hesitation could up the reader's stakes. I like the use of the circular narrative, and it does a good job of reinforcing the story's themes. It’s tough to map out an intentional narrative like that, and think you’ve done quite well. Characters and Dialogue Luka and Violet’s relationship feels genuine, but the dialogue is a bit plain. Working in an individual voice for each character would help the reader connect on a deeper level. Grammar and Mechanics There are several grammar slips in the story, including misplaced commas, tense inconsistencies, and word choices (“where” instead of “were,” “Luke” instead of “Luka”). --> their bodies where aching --> Luke looked down at him You could consider revising your sentence flow by trimming repetition and breaking up long passages into sharper, more rhythmic lines, to increase their emotional weight. Examples: “Luka was begging the voice in the dream to tell him how to save his baby and the voice replied:” Trimmed: “In his dream, Luka begged the voice to tell him how to save the baby. The voice replied:” “Hours passed, the forest seemed much bigger than before and their bodies where aching from walking but neither of them were crying about it.” Trimmed: “Hours passed. The forest seemed larger than before, their bodies aching from the endless walk, yet neither complained.” You also have a fair bit of ‘telling’ in the story, and it’s often more effective to ‘show’ the reader what is happening. ‘Showing’ helps keep the story active, and it keeps the reader engaged. Example of Show vs Tell: Original (telling) “They knew it wasn't safe for them to stay in the same spot for too long, although they needed to eat and drink water, so they left the path and began heading north hoping to find a good place to stay.” Revised (showing): “Luka glanced over his shoulder, every rustle tightening his grip on Violet’s hand. Their stomachs growled, but the need to move north outweighed hunger.” The revision conveys fear and urgency through action rather than explanation. Other spots you could consider revising for show vs tell for greater effect: “Luke looked down at him, holding the little boy who was crying for some moments until he stopped breathing, in that moment, their true fear showed.” In terms of setting, you’ve created a strong sense of mystical place with the vivid imagery of the dark forest, shrine, and mysterious lake, and it all works well together. Final Thoughts Overall, it's a good take on hope and renewal, and you’ve touched on several important themes without being heavy-handed. I’m sure your readers will enjoy it! Thank you for sharing your work with us! Jayne Doe  My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim"
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You responded to this review 09/08/2025 @ 6:36am EDT