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 Review #4836639 |
 | Saying goodbye to a break up.  [18+] My way of dealing with the pain of a break up.  |
| (4.0)  "Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com! Hi . Congratulations on your upcoming 22nd Writing.Com Anniversary! That is quite a feat. I'm Ja-Ja-JINX , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Saying goodbye to a break up." . A special edition of "Anniversary Reviews" is allowing me to give a review outside your normal anniversary month because you joined WDC within the first five years of the site's existence. I appreciate you supporting WDC during those growing years.I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. Honestly, your title drew me in. I've been in situations having to say goodbye and I was curious about your method. Yours was pretty unique. Both memories and emotions are wondrous parts to our beings. They certainly make their own way though our minds coming to the forefront in their own time. As did yours.May I suggest that you read your offering out loud the next time you edit? I submit that you'll hear places that need to be tweaked easier than by reading silently, which allows you to skim your words. For example, you wrote: The tears began slowly at first and then I heard a gut wrenching howl, it was my heart releasing the anguish that caused such torment to me from the moment I watched him walk away filled with hurt and disappointment. I'd like to make a couple of points. First, there should be two separate sentences here with a period after howl. The clauses are best read as distinct sentences. Second, your second sentence is written as if your ex- walks away with hurt and disappointment. I believe you are the one filled with hurt and disappointment. If the latter is the case, then re-word that sentence placing the pertinent phrase in the correct spot. A suggestion might be two sentences: My heart was releasing the anguish that caused such torment to me. I was filled with hurt and disappointment as I watched him walk away. You have a several other run-on sentences that should be two individual sentences. You should be able to 'hear' those instances. Sentences don't have to be long. If the thought is complete, put a period there. This is a poignant and heartfelt look at your breakup. It looked to be just what you needed at that point in time. It does you no good to keep such things inside, and your venture into the mountains offered the relief needed. Thanks for sharing.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. I stumbled a bit while reading trying to discern whether each line was a sentence or a paragraph. The WDC online convention is that paragraphs should be double-spaced for easier reading. Some areas were spaced properly; others were not. Hence my confusion. Read the next line out loud. I began to laugh because how would they know what why I was crying? Now, delete "what." 'abandoned' should be 'abandon.' My Rating. 4.0.  Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.
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