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Review #4837924
Viewing a review of:
existence Open in new Window. [E]
life in the eyes of someone who doesn't quite understand why people try
by a.lia Author Icon
Review of existence  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings and welcome to writing.com!

I can relate to this heartfelt free verse poem. You've poured a bit of yourself out on the page, and it shows. The exhaustion of existing is something we all deal with on different levels. Even children are often robbed of their right to be innocent and happy, and as adults with any amount of self-awareness our burden only gets heavier.

I like how you've balanced the line lengths, it makes a symmetrical presentation on the page. The words are carefully chosen, with as little filler as possible. I always remember the recommendation of a trusted poet friend, Citizen Journalist Author Icon who said, basically, to avoid "the" in poetry at all costs. I see you have it twice, but it's so naturally placed, I hesitate to suggest restructuring the whole brief poem to eliminate it.

Perhaps saying "not fully aware of incomprehensible burden/ of elusive breath of "joy"..." and now I'm rewriting it for you *Blush* it's just an example to bear in mind as you build future poetry. The possibilities for thoughtful expression become so much broader when "the" is removed, it's amazing.

I would definitely recommend adding three relevant genres to your poem, for a couple reasons. It helps you to get more views on it, as people will see it when browsing, and it also affords as many opportunities as possible for Quill Award nominations (see the port of Jeff-o'-lantern 🎃 Author Icon for more info on the annual Quill Awards!) You could choose Emotional, Philosophy, Drama, Personal, Experience, Psychology, Relationship, Dark or even Inspirational.

I also would suggest using a larger font size. This can be achieved by simply adding {size:4}{font:verdana} in front of your text in the edit box. We have a lovely proprietary markup language here; you can read all the shortcuts and super helpful tips at "Writing.Com 101" Open in new Window. or https://www.writing.com/main/tools/action/writingml which can be found on the left sidebar under "writing.com Tools" and then "WritingML: docs and help."

Take care, thanks for sharing and keep writing *Smile* *HeartT*


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