%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4839214 |
 | Hot & Hollow  [13+] Callie's beautiful. Can Marcus see through her pride and vanity before it is too late?  |
| (4.5)| Greetings  I spotted this on my sidebar yesterday afternoon, and somehow I guessed it was yours before I clicked on it. Only a couple other people around here I can do that with. You have a distinctive voice, and it comes through with a certain reliability across your fictional work. We all have our own, and I pride myself on finding it in others. As the narrative progressed and Carrie's backstory unfolded, I couldn't help seeing something of myself in her: the unaddressed wounds, the desire for control and external validation, the utter inability to face criticism, the avoidance of vulnerability or authenticity in relationships out of fear of mockery and rejection. You have something strong here, something relatable, that needs further development. I, along with most women I know, would prefer if she were given an option for redemption, a glimpse of what she could be if only she faced her flaws and dealt with them. It doesn't have to be a transformation and a happily ever after, just a hint that maybe Marcus was able to touch her spirit before she walked out, maybe a whispered apology or a single genuine tear, or a sighting of her again a few years down the road, well-adjusted – or not. For that matter, your current perspective is third person omniscient, telling us what's inside her heart and everyone else's without a single directed focus. I've had it drilled into me since I joined here: third person limited is best. (Thanks , Max Griffin 🏳️🌈  !) Are we focusing more on the character development of Marcus as he pulls away from toxic people, or Carrie as she starts to peel the threadbare bandages of falsehood away from herself?When you settle on who we should be more interested in, then you can write everything from this one perspective. Marcus only sees what he can see, feels what he can feel. Show us his reactions, his feelings. Does he cringe at the sharpness of her voice when she's jealous? Does his stomach sink when he see the bills piling up? Does he lie awake at night wondering what his future looks like with her? When he finally sees through her, does it hurt? Can he forgive enough to reach out, or does he just want her gone? I have some fragments of dialogue in my head... Maybe he says gently, "this isn't a real relationship if you don't feel like you can trust me to see you cry/see the real you." Maybe he even shows her some vulnerability of his own, some little thing that could become a turning point in the plot as we see what she does with this part of his heart. Does she weaponize it, use it against him, or does she open up, or treat him with the respect she desires for herself? Or does she leave anyway, unable to handle a man who shows his flaws and expects the same? Ok, I'm probably off the rails of where you were thinking it should go...  At the very least, does he remember to pray for her when he gets to church?This has great potential for a touching human interest story with a subtle spiritual perspective. I'm glad we were able to discuss it. Best wishes for the contest  Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/10/2025 @ 7:17am EDT