Hello, Temperance Stone,

Here is a review for your "Intro v4" .

Comments and Observations:

You have a strong and expressive opening, here. You set up clearly, in this beginning, Lizzie’s physical journey together with her emotional side. I could sense the fear and hope, and I believe this is what a reader would want to know in the beginning, so he can read the rest of the story.

Your story starts immediately to Lizzie's moment of departure. There is no beating around the bush, just action, and this will hook your readers.

The description of the car is poignant, too, as it may point to Lizzie's character. Assertive and possibly nostalgic, it hints at her personality as someone who needs to feel she is in control.

In addition, you balanced fear and excitement beautifully. “Her heart stuttered with fear, but she could also feel the excitement sparking in the air.”

Also, I sensed some foreshadowing. Thomas's words, "“Why don’t you come stay here and sober up…” and the concern of friends, for example.

All this introduces Lizzie as a complex character, and possibly likable, too.

One thing that alerted me was an over-explanation. Case in point: “A few suitcases and two duffel bags of clothes mostly,” “The trunk was just as full as the backseat,” etc.
You might consider condensing a bit, since the information here is mostly a filler. May I suggest something like: The car was packed to the brim--clothes, keepsakes, her daughters’ mementos--her life squeezed into a red Camaro.

As for the ending, it is heartfelt and written well. It might, however, give her departure more punch if you were to make the last sentence, beginning with "She glanced..." stand on its own as a separate paragraph.

Best wishes with the rest of your story. From the looks of this introduction, it is going to be quite a success.

Suggestions on the text as to grammar, usage, and punctuation

I saw no problems in this area.

Best wishes with your work.



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .